Dressed for the Game…

March 2011-White Sox (10 yrs old)

I absolutely love this picture of Warren!!  I love the arm bands and the black and white rope around his neck.  He wore these things himself.  Whenever he stepped foot on a baseball field (for a game or practice), he was ready…mentally, physically, and completely dressed.  And by completely dressed, I mean his shirt tucked in with a belt!  ALWAYS!  This was initially encouraged by his Dad, but eventually Warren would do this on his own without any prompting from us.

I love this picture without his baseball cap on!  I can see his eyes and his freckles.  I can tell his hair has been recently cut. He seriously looks so handsome!  It almost seems like yesterday….I like seeing him with all his gear, but this  picture where I can see his whole face makes me smile.  We had many great seasons of baseball and loved each of them for different reasons.  However, this may be one of my favorites.  I just remember Warren growing so much as a player this season…not to mention lasting friendships that came from this team!!

Baseball is starting up …What I wouldn’t give to be  watching our #12 play!  It still hurts in ways I can’t explain.  I miss it all…carpooling, practices, games, tournaments, blankets, friends, winning, losing, bats, bags, dirty baseball pants, gloves, caps, ( & I can’t forget sunscreen!)….It just can’t be, really, that those things will not be in my life….at least not as we once knew it.  I miss it and it makes me very sad.

Is that ok?  I just want to be sad.  I want to explain that not one single day goes by that I’m not sad.  At some point, every single day I think of my boy and I am sad that he is not here with me.  A little more than 12 months has passed and being sad is still daily …for me.  Sad, doesn’t always mean tears, but sometimes.   Sad doesn’t mean I can’t function, but sometimes.  Sad doesn’t mean I’m hiding at home, but sometimes.  Sad doesn’t mean I can’t laugh, but sometimes.  Sad doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy time with friends, but sometimes.  SOMETIMES when I’m sad I do just want to hide and cry, but other times I choose to focus on the eternal and remember my Hope is found in Jesus Christ.  In those moments …my “sad” moments, I’m reminded to trust even more in Jesus.

So, I’ve been sad that Warren didn’t get to try out for the Stratford baseball team.  AND, if I’m really honest,  I feel like he missed out. It’s not about whether he’d made it or not, but he didn’t even get a chance.  It stinks!!

We actually went to one of the teams’ first scrimmages on Friday afternoon…the weather was amazing, it was so good to see some of his buds, and visit with friends.  But as we left, I had this overwhelming feeling like we were leaving something/someone behind.  I used to feel that a lot right after Warren died…but Friday night, walking to our car, that feeling consumed me.  I guess in some way I was leaving something behind…MY hopes and MY dreams of watching Warren play HS baseball.  Nothing wrong with those hopes and dreams, but at this point on our journey that’s what they are…hopes and dreams for my precious boy that I must lay at the feet of Jesus and trust that His plans are better than mine…that His ways are higher.  It’s not about me…or Warren.  It’s much bigger!  I’m trusting, still… that God is working, that HE loves me and that He is Good!!

As I sat in those stands Friday afternoon I was reminded that Warren actually had been on this field before.  Several years ago (4th grade, I think) Warren was a bat boy for one of the Stratford HS games.  That was a pretty cool experience for him!  So, I found some pictures from that evening!  Sweet boy….

I feel like so much has happened over the last couple of months and God has been MORE than we could have ever asked or hoped for during some very difficult days…   We continue to be overwhelmed by our family and friends who are still journeying with us..WOW, is really all I can say.  We love each of you and cannot imagine doing this without your love and support.  

Today in Bible Study it was said that…”God is moving!”  I believe this to be true… I want to be ready “keeping my ear to the ground” (thank you Hannah)..waiting, expectantly waiting, longing for the “more” that He wants to pour out on His people!  So, if I may, I want to be like Warren, who was always dressed and ready for the “game”..

The Lord your God is in your midst,  a Mighty One who will save;  He will rejoice over you with gladness;  He will quiet you by his love;  He will exult (rejoice)  over you with loud singing.

Zephaniah 3:17