I Can’t Help But Wonder…

I miss this freckled face boy every day…and my heart aches as he would have turned 17 on March 23rd

Warren went to heaven on November 24, 2014..He was 13.

Around his birthday, more than any other time, I wonder more about what he would look like and how our lives would be different if he were still here.

 

Wondering can be painful, as my thoughts drift toward the things that will never be…

Would you be dating?  Would you be playing a sport?  What kind of car would you be driving?  Would you be tall and skinny?  Would your hair be long or short?   Who would your friends be? What would you do for fun on a Friday night?  Where would you want to go to college

I also wonder about Heaven.  I wonder about you in Heaven and what that might be like.  I wonder about that day … when I will see you again…

And then I wonder….

I wonder how my life would be different?   Would I really know Jesus like I do now?  Would I undoubtedly know and have experienced true peace?   I wonder…Would I cling to His Word like I couldn’t live without it ?  Would I genuinely long for Heaven or still be trying to find contentment in this world? I wonder …..would I understand wholeheartedly the need to strive for him? Would I truly know what it means to set my eyes on things above?  

I wonder if my anthem would unquestionably be ‘Jesus Is Enough’ & ‘Heaven Is Better’?  Would my hope be in Christ alone?  

I wonder COULD I really, undoubtedly, truly, genuinely, wholeheartedly & unquestionably know the Jesus I know today outside of my suffering?

As I look ahead to Easter, the cross, the death, the burial and the resurrection…I wonder can I like Paul, consider everything else (the satisfactions of this world) worthless when compared to the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus?

I once thought these things were valuable, but now I consider them worthless because of what Christ has done. Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as loss, so that I could gain Christ  and become one with him. I no longer count on my own righteousness through obeying the law; rather, I become righteous through faith in Christ. For God’s way of making us right with himself depends on faith.  I want to know Christ and experience the mighty power that raised him from the dead. I want to suffer with him, sharing in his death,  so that one way or another I will experience the resurrection from the dead! Philippians 3:7-11

These are Paul’s words not mine.  I want to be able to proclaim like he did, but if I’m 100% honest I  wish I could have all of Jesus AND Warren.  I wish there had been another way… A life of little suffering… and certainly not the kind of suffering that comes with the death of a child.

But like Paul and like Jesus who set his face toward Jerusalem (Luke 9:51) I want to position my eyes upward.  I want to press on, straining forward to what lies ahead -Future Glory!

As we observe this Good Friday, pondering the cross, the brutal death of our Savior…For me and for you…I wonder what it must have been like for him?  Scripture says he was greatly distressed and troubled, his soul was very sorrowful, even to death.  He fell to the ground as he prayed and asked the Father if it were possible the hour might pass from him. (Mark 14:34-36)

As I wonder… I set my eyes on the cross.  I humbly position my heart today to pray.  I can’t really answer all the questions of my wondering, but I do know this…I’m changed because of my suffering and how God in his infinite grace and mercy meets me there…. And because of Christ’s death on the cross and his resurrection, I have hope.

What do you wonder?  I pray that in your own wondering, you find the beautiful Hope of Jesus Christ…