Living With Brokenness For 827 Days…

How I wish things could be…

Living with brokenness for 827 days, 118 weeks, 27 months is challenging and time consuming.  It’s exhausting.  Missing Warren and wishing I could go back…Wondering how I can possibly do this for another day or week, much less another 800 days.

I want to hear his voice, I want to feel his arm around me, I want to smell his “scent”.  I want him to be here for Grace.  I want him to give her advice about high school, boys, and all the other things her big brother  would do.  I don’t want her to be an only child, wishing for her brother to still be here.  I don’t want the “handshake” they had together to be something she now does in the air…alone.  I hate when she goes down the street to shoot hoops all by herself.

I want Bill to have his son.  I don’t want Bill left alone at the house while Grace and I do cheer.  I want them hunting together or playing baseball.  I want Bill to be having grown up, mature conversations with his boy about driving and dating and college.  I don’t want Bill getting ready for baseball season…alone, without Warren.

I wish I was posting a picture of him and a date at the formal from last weekend or getting ready for the Sweet 16 dance.

I struggle with the realization that Grace has now passed him in age.  Her older brother is now younger than she is.  It’s like all of a sudden we have no frame of reference.  Everything is new for us…graduating 8th grade, high school, driving.  It’s weird and hard to explain.

On one hand it’s like we are leaving him behind.  As we leave middle school and the memories of the last couple years behind, I feel like we leave a part of us as well.  Although going back was so difficult after Warren died..it’s all we’ve known and it almost brings me comfort to be where he last was..A new school, means new memories that don’t include him.

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“various trials”

As time keeps ticking and we wake to face another day..we are forced to face many other life issues…

We are not immune to life’s other “various trials”.

I remember thinking right after Warren died that surely we would get a “break”…We did not, and have not.  I could list major obstacles and challenges that have come our way just in the last 6 months.  Parenting and marriage is hard when operating from a very broken place.  Juggling time and responsibilities bring stress and sleepless nights.

In the beginning we gave ourselves a bit of a break, knowing people would understand (or hoping they would)…But now, it’s just different

I don’t know if the statement “Time Heals” is accurate, but “Life Goes On” certainly is!

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you face trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. (James 1:2-4)

Not the Only One With Stuff…

I have found myself on my knees praying and asking God to “please help us”!  That may sound a bit dramatic, but the truth is I can’t face any of this alone.  Not the “normal” stuff, not the hurt, not being a mother, not being a wife…and on and on!

In my weakness, the above paragraphs of “how I wish things could be”…would always take over and despair would set in (and believe me it happens)

But as I have cried and worked through some things..I also know I’m not the only one with “STUFF”

I’ve been reading and following Katherine and Jay Wolf and reading their book Hope Heals.  www.hopeheals.com 

Katherine suffered a massive brain stem stroke and lives with many physical disabilities.  She is paralyzed on 1/2 her body and is in a wheelchair.

Even in her own suffering she realizes… just because you’re not in a wheelchair doesn’t mean you don’t face seasons of life where you feel stuck or paralyzed with no way out…

Oh, how often life has not turned out the way we planned.

All of our suffering is unique and cannot be compared..However, no matter the specifics of our circumstances there is only one answerone hope and that is Jesus.  We all might journey differently to land here, but no matter your hurt, or fear, or the unbearable situation you face….there is ONE Hope, One salvation, One Jesus and He cares about YOU and me!

So, as I scrolled through Instagram earlier and saw a precious newborn facing certain challenges his sweet momma never dreamed they would …I am reminded of the one thing that most often connects us ~ our pain and brokenness.

Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. (Hebrews 4:16)

For this light and momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison.  (2 Corinthians 4:17)

Why are you downcast O my soul and why are you disquieted within me?  Hope in God.  For I shall again praise Him.  He is my help and my God. (Psalm 42:5,11 43:5)

 

8 thoughts on “Living With Brokenness For 827 Days…

  1. Carolyn McCall February 28, 2017 / 9:21 am

    My most precious friend – I pray for you and think about you every day. With each milestone that Abby has (high school, dances, activities, etc.) I think of Warren and wonder what he would be doing. Who would have asked him to the dance? Would he be on Stratford’s baseball team? On and on. I can’t imagine how hard every day has been. Please know how many people love you and lift you up daily. I love you. 💙

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Marylou Bland February 28, 2017 / 9:38 am

    Thank you so much for sharing your grief journey. Cancer took our son Todd (39) in December. We are obviously heartbroken and our lives are forever changed but we have trust in our God to heal our brokenness. I do know that it does not matter how old your child may be, it is the worst hurt I have ever known. Grief Share class at Tallowood Baptist is helping me express my grief in positive ways.

    Liked by 1 person

    • julie February 28, 2017 / 10:54 am

      Marylou,
      I’m so sorry for your unimaginable loss. The pain is great no matter how old they are ….
      I believe with you that our pain has purpose and we can experience healing along with inexpressible joy because of the hope we have in Jesus

      Like

  3. mary miracle February 28, 2017 / 9:50 am

    My heart hurts for you. I am amazed by your strength

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Maria Colwick February 28, 2017 / 11:24 am

    You Julie give me more hope then I could ever imagine because you speak about your brokenness. My cousin just told me of how she had to explain why she went to the cemetery everyday to see her son that she left there 9 years ago. She explained to someone that only a mother knows the feeling of the loss of their body although their soul is in heaven. The body that she conceived and delivered. Only a mother knows the loss of a child no longer here for us to nurture, hold, touch, and watch grow older. Yes others feel the loss as well, but as a mother we think of every moment without them. You encourage me with your blog and know that I pray for us everyday because living without them is painful. I love you!!❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Carrie knowles February 28, 2017 / 1:52 pm

    Julie you are in my prayers. I too have been feeling overwhelmed since my mom died. I can’t even imagine your pain. Thank you for your witness to me. I needed it. Warren was a special gift from God. I’m hear if you ever want to talk!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Allegra Delgadillo February 28, 2017 / 4:40 pm

    This is beautifully written, about your beautiful boy. He would be so proud of you and how you are leaning on Jesus for everything, and helping others by pointing to Him.
    Thank you Julie

    Liked by 1 person

  7. patrice jegi February 28, 2017 / 10:14 pm

    I admire your honesty and ability to share your pain and hope and perspective – sending love your way !
    Miles is blessed to get to have your husband as his baseball coach this season – y’all are amazing and inspiring ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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