Grace came downstairs a few mornings ago and began sharing with me a dream she had about Warren. As dreams go, the details didn’t all fit together and some of it was random…However, one detail about her dream that made me smile was the first question she said she asked Warren when she saw him…” Do you have your license? Can you drive me around?”
I laugh with tears streaming down my face because of ALL the changes that come with going to HS..this year…how you will get to school as a freshman is a really BIG deal!! Grace secured a ride from an upper classman weeks ago! 🙂
The uncomfortable reality of this topic, that stares us square in the face, is that Warren should be driving her to school. He would have turned 16 back in March and would be happily agreeing to drive her and her friends to school and home…HA!! (I’m only kidding about that part….He was a super nice brother..but, I’m not that naive!!) Regardless of how he felt about it, that’s the way it would be.
Warren was only 13 when he died, but even still…these type of things run through your brain as you look ahead to the future and I still can’t believe its ALL different now…No older brother paving the way. I have even struggled with being a new freshman mom because… It’s. Just. Not. The. Way. It. Should. Be. I should already know all the ins and outs of HS.
This summer has seemed long to me. No big trips like the last 2 summers…A few short trips ..Oh but we did go to Boston. We got to tag along with Bill on a business trip. That was fun! I had never been.
I started a couple bible studies this summer…didn’t finish either of them. My time with Jesus has been unique and I’m still not sure how to put it into words. My prayer the last several weeks has been that God would search me and know me…to search my heart thoroughly, to know my thoughts. To find any hurtful way in me and to lead me in the way everlasting. (Psalm 139) Where Jesus, do I need to repent, let go, start fresh? Is my life fully surrendered and devoted? What am I holding back? Holding onto?
He’s been stretching me and teaching me new things this summer…I took a break from my usual daily scrolling of Facebook, because I found myself comparing and even jealous of attention/likes others were getting. I haven’t blogged all summer because I began to question my motive…Why am I writing? Do I care too much about how many people read my posts? Am I seeking attention and approval from my peers rather than my focus being on Jesus….It’s easy to get lost in needing the approval of friends, family, and even strangers.
Tonight, as we prepare for Grace’s first day of HS, my eyes are puffy and red. My heart is sitting inside my chest on the verge of breaking…It’s just so much to wrap my head around…High School. Grace growing up and changing right before my very eyes. Wishing with every stinking breath that I could call to Warren and he would answer.
We went to dinner tonight, and as we got seated the waiter asked if it was just the 3 of us. We said yes, and he began removing the 4th place setting..saying something like, “Well, lets get this out of the way..” A voice inside my head screamed, “No! Leave it.” We’ve eaten together just the 3 of us a hundred times, but tonight I just felt sad about it!….And then like it usually happens, the sadness left, and we laughed and enjoyed our time!
There is a big event coming up, IGNiTE, a week from tonight. I will share more about it later, but one of the prayers for this night as we gather to worship and pray for the upcoming school year, is that the students who know and love Jesus would be a LIGHT that shines brightly for Him.
This reminded me of something Warren had written and I want to close with his words that have encouraged me so….
“We are the light of the world. We have the answer. We know what to do. We were made to be proclaimers. It would be silly to think that we could put a city on a hill and hide it…in the same way, a Christian cannot keep from proclaiming the gospel. We are the light and should not be hidden but lifted high to shine our bright light on the earth.”
“You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that hey may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.” Matthew 5:14-16
‘Time Hop’ shared these pics a few days. 4 years ago….
Warren Austin Barfield, you were a LIGHT and I miss you like crazy.