In my head I hear silence. It’s a quiet that has become familiar over these last few weeks. Some days I would describe it as that ‘blah’ feeling. You know, when you can’t pin point if anything is wrong, but something isn’t right. While other days its just an emptiness…My brain feels blank. (keep reading, this isn’t as depressing as it sounds!)
I read the scriptures. Silence.
I pray. Silence.
I lay down at night. Silence.
I wake up. Silence.
I’ve been asked this week what we are doing for Warren’s birthday. And all I feel is this ‘silence’. I’ve not even known how to answer. Mainly, because I didn’t have an answer.
I’m Not Alone and Neither Are You
I’ve had a couple conversations with friends and mentioned this ‘blah’, silence. And when I did, they responded similarly.
Relieved… I think, to know they weren’t alone or the only ones to experience spiritual, emotional, and even physical blah-ness.
Surprised… maybe because like most, I post or share or text or call when things are good. Or maybe, my public testimony of God’s goodness has been so overwhelmingly more than I could have ever asked or imagined, that anything less doesn’t make sense.
Either way, I thought it important to share honestly that emotionally, physically and spiritually ….I’ve had better days 🙂
How do I push through the silence? The blah? The blankness I feel after spending time in the Word or in prayer? When the answers don’t come? When nothing changes?
I Must Remember…
I remember His Faithfulness. I recall the times scripture has jumped off the page or my prayers were indeed heard and answered because there was no other explanation! I preach to myself what I KNOW, and believe my heart will follow!
I don’t know if I’ve ever said this out loud, but before Warren died, my foundation, (spiritually speaking) was weak, at best. I had off and on seasons of growth, but nothing consistent. My knowledge of the Bible was pretty basic…so when my whole world was turned upside down, unfortunately I was not prepared. (not like I could have been) Levi Lusko says ..”Train for the trial your’e not yet in…” I had not properly done that.
So, I positioned myself under this “spiritual’ faucet, and turned it on-high. I read and listened to scripture. I worshiped and fell in love, a deeper love, than ever before with Jesus. I became saturated and couldn’t get enough. The daily download I received … I am forever grateful for. Especially on the hard days, I leaned in and held on tightly.
Why Do I Share This?
I needed the reminder…and it’s JUST NOW becoming clear to me as type…
Julie: No matter how loud the silence. The blankness. The unanswered prayers. The wondering if He hears us at all…go back under the faucet. Get there, whether you feel like it or not. Recall His faithfulness. Preach to yourself what you know, because you’ve experienced it and seen His goodness.
Throw off whatever is weighing you down, confess, and get your eyes up and your knees down.
Remember it was for the joy SET BEFORE HIM, that he endured the cross. He knew, what we can know now, the best is yet to come!
Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning. (Psalm 30:5) For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison. (2 Cor. 4:17)
How long might our “night” or “silence” last? When will our morning come? How long is momentary? I don’t know.
But because I can’t imagine any other way, I will set the Lord continually before me, because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken. THEREFORE, my heart is glad, and my whole being REJOICES, my flesh dwells secure.(Psalm 16:8,9)
Warren’s Birthday Eve
So on the eve of Warren’s 18th birthday I have cried and my heart hurts. However, I know because of the other 4 birthdays we have celebrated without him here, God will be present. We will be held and will even experience a sweetness that only comes from a Faithful Heavenly Father that cares and considers and sees us.
Julie I don’t know you nor do I know your family. But our experience is too similar. We too went from four to three. From a big brother to an only child. Our faith also is very similar ground. I pray every day over families like ours. Who have lost a child due to whatever this world throws at them. Thanks for sharing your heart. God heals and promises we willl meet again.
God bless and keep your sweet family.