The Silence Seems Loud

In my head I hear silence. It’s a quiet that has become familiar over these last few weeks. Some days I would describe it as that ‘blah’ feeling. You know, when you can’t pin point if anything is wrong, but something isn’t right. While other days its just an emptiness…My brain feels blank. (keep reading, this isn’t as depressing as it sounds!)

I read the scriptures. Silence.

I pray. Silence.

I lay down at night. Silence.

I wake up. Silence.

I’ve been asked this week what we are doing for Warren’s birthday. And all I feel is this ‘silence’. I’ve not even known how to answer. Mainly, because I didn’t have an answer.

I’m Not Alone and Neither Are You

I’ve had a couple conversations with friends and mentioned this ‘blah’, silence. And when I did, they responded similarly.

Relieved… I think, to know they weren’t alone or the only ones to experience spiritual, emotional, and even physical blah-ness.

Surprised… maybe because like most, I post or share or text or call when things are good. Or maybe, my public testimony of God’s goodness has been so overwhelmingly more than I could have ever asked or imagined, that anything less doesn’t make sense.

Either way, I thought it important to share honestly that emotionally, physically and spiritually ….I’ve had better days ūüôā

How do I push through the silence? The blah? The blankness I feel after spending time in the Word or in prayer? When the answers don’t come? When nothing changes?

I Must Remember…

I remember His Faithfulness. I recall the times scripture has jumped off the page or my prayers were indeed heard and answered because there was no other explanation! I preach to myself what I KNOW, and believe my heart will follow!

I don’t know if I’ve ever said this out loud, but before Warren died, my foundation, (spiritually speaking) was weak, at best. I had off and on seasons of growth, but nothing consistent. My knowledge of the Bible was pretty basic…so when my whole world was turned upside down, unfortunately I was not prepared. (not like I could have been) Levi Lusko says ..”Train for the trial your’e not yet in…” I had not properly done that.

So, I positioned myself under this “spiritual’ faucet, and turned it on-high. I read and listened to scripture. I worshiped and fell in love, a deeper love, than ever before with Jesus. I became saturated and couldn’t get enough. The daily download I received … I am forever grateful for. Especially on the hard days, I leaned in and held on tightly.

Why Do I Share This?

I needed the reminder…and it’s JUST NOW becoming clear to me as type…

Julie: No matter how loud the silence. The blankness. The unanswered prayers. The wondering if He hears us at all…go back under the faucet. Get there, whether you feel like it or not. Recall His faithfulness. Preach to yourself what you know, because you’ve experienced it and seen His goodness.

Throw off whatever is weighing you down, confess, and get your eyes up and your knees down.

Remember it was for the joy SET BEFORE HIM, that he endured the cross. He knew, what we can know now, the best is yet to come!

Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning. (Psalm 30:5) For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison. (2 Cor. 4:17)

How long might our “night” or “silence” last? When will our morning come? How long is momentary? I don’t know.

But because I can’t imagine any other way, I will set the Lord continually before me, because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken. THEREFORE, my heart is glad, and my whole being REJOICES, my flesh dwells secure.(Psalm 16:8,9)

Warren’s Birthday Eve

So on the eve of Warren’s 18th birthday I have cried and my heart hurts. However, I know because of the other 4 birthdays we have celebrated without him here, God will be present. We will be held and will even experience a sweetness that only comes from a Faithful Heavenly Father that cares and considers and sees us.

Remembering…

But as for me, I will look to the Lord;

I will wait for the God of my salvation;

My God will hear me.

Rejoice not over me, O my enemy;

When I fall, I will RISE

When I sit in darkness,

the Lord will be a LIGHT to me.

Micah 7:7-8


Remembering…This past weekend seemed to mimic the weekend 2 years ago that Warren was injured in an ATV accident that ultimately took his life….or better said, the weekend Warren met Jesus face to face, the weekend Warren made it Home! ¬†The weather & the blue skies…it was so similar and hard to ignore.

The details of the weekend and how normal life seemed to be until that horrible moment have me thinking and remembering…

The obvious….How VERY much we miss Warren and wish that day almost 2 years ago had turned out differently.

The other…How quickly life can change, how fleeting this life is, & most importantly, how all of this points me to Jesus ..STILL!

It’s been almost 2 years, and I’m not sure if it seems like yesterday or the longest 2 years of my life..Both, maybe. ¬†But One thing remains, our Hope is Jesus. ¬†He is the Light of the world and because of this Promise, we will RISE UP and be thankful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ..and because of The Gospel we KNOW that Warren is ALIVE and we will see him again…

You remembering Warren is important to us. ¬†It is important to know that you have not forgotten. ¬† I know the how and the what are difficult and you want to be respectful …if it makes you feel any better, even within our immediate family, we don’t always know what we want or need..and that may actually complicate things , BUT what we do know is that however you choose to remember¬†our boy…it will be perfect!

Be a LIGHT, Be the Hands and Feet of Jesus to a neighbor, Show kindness, Talk about Warren, Be thankful, Post a favorite memory, Send us a text, Wear your camo, Let someone know they are LOVED…Share on social media #warrenswarriors

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We are grateful for our family, friends..our entire community and how so many of you have bravely walked beside us ..both near and from a distance.  We have not forgotten and we could not possibly thank you enough.


This song and the lyrics are a powerful reminder of Jesus and the unshakeable Hope we have in Him.  He is the One that quiets our doubts, echos within us every Promise.  His Word is louder than our fears and His JOY is greater than our grief.

I have set my heart on You.  You have every part of me.


 

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Reminded I Still Need Jesus…

The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me, your love, O Lord, endures forever- do not abandon the works of your hands.  Psalm 138:8

Why are you downcast, O my soul?  Why so disturbed within me?  Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.  Psalm 42:5

Mother’s Day…Year 2

I was reminded that I still need Jesus.   I still need your prayers and encouragement.

It was a  day that took a bit more strength to face than other days.  It was bitter and sweet all at the same time.

There was laughter and joy as well as quiet tears because of the brokenness that has made it’s home in my heart.

I was loved well by Grace and Bill (I have the best daughter in the whole wide world!!!) She made the cutest pancakes for breakfast!

I greatly appreciated the text messages sent with such tender thoughtfulness.

I thought of Warren and missed him so much.

God’s glorious¬†grace, once again,¬†brought unexplainable comfort.

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Mother’s Day 2016

It’s Not Over

One of the hardest things about this journey is how disappointing it can be to wake up after Mother’s Day (or any hard¬†day), only to realize I have to do this all over again next year. ¬†Not only that, but every other “difficult” day in between. ¬†It’s never over. ¬†I don’t get to wake up with a sigh of relief or a sense of accomplishment. ¬†I wake… immediately realizing another day of living with the heartbreak of Warren’s death, is in front of me.

I don’t know anything about how the brain works, from a medical point of view, but I do know¬†from personal experience, that somehow you can ‘manipulate’ your thoughts. ¬†I’ve often wondered how in the world someone without the hope of Christ lives through the death of a child (or any kind of suffering). ¬†I’m guessing (maybe) that with some learned tools, over time, you can manage and learn to live with this type of pain (without faith). ¬†I am certainly thankful for the ‘tools’ I am learning¬†in counseling which help me to work through my “grief”…

However, it is ONLY my faith and trust in Jesus Christ helping me to do MORE than manipulate my thoughts and ‘survive’ another day. ¬†In Christ, I am believing that there is more purpose to my pain than just surviving it. ¬†If it was simply surviving, I might have already given up that fight…But because of the abounding grace God has lavished upon me, I know that I am being strengthened every day for His assignment on my life. I wish it were different and some days I don’t feel up for the task. ¬†Oh, how…I wish it were different. ¬†Yet, in my weakness…on my hardest day, His grace is sufficient. ¬†His power is made perfect in me. ¬†For when I am weak, then I am strong.

These Days

I’m no expert on grief, loss, or dealing with pain and sadness. ¬†Half the time, I’m not even sure what direction I’m headed ūüėČ ¬†The other day I was trying to get some cards in the mail and realized I had put the stamps in the left hand corner instead of the right. ¬†I can wander around a store and not remember why I came. ¬†I can hold back my tears sometimes, and sometimes I can’t. ¬†I know there are steps to healing…but I think I’m writing my own! ¬†I often feel like I can’t put into words how I’m feeling or how things are going. ¬† This can be frustrating and hard especially on those around me, I know.

I miss Warren and my heart still aches.

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I know that God is protecting my family and keeping us close to Himself and each other..I am so grateful for that.  I know that God is working and that He loves me.  I know that He will fulfill His purpose in me.  (Psalm 138:8)

Like everyone else, we are wrapping up another school year. ¬†These weeks are always so full of activity and very busy. ¬†I find myself thinking about the summer and even wondering what it will be like as Grace begins her 8th grade year in the fall. ¬†What will it be like when she turns 14. ¬†Warren will always be her older brother, but since he died at age 13, in the middle of his 8th grade year…I just wonder…

I Still Believe

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I still believe that God will keep providing the strength we need. I believe that He is still very much enough. I still believe that Heaven is better and the best is yet to come!! I believe¬†His work in¬†my life & Warren’s life is greater than I can even imagine. ¬†I will trust Him because I still believe He is good.

I love this picture of Warren. It reminds me to be strong and courageous. It reminds me to be brave like Esther. Thank you buddy for pointing me to Jesus. I love you so very much!