Living With Brokenness For 827 Days…

How I wish things could be…

Living with brokenness for 827 days, 118 weeks, 27 months is challenging and time consuming.  It’s exhausting.  Missing Warren and wishing I could go back…Wondering how I can possibly do this for another day or week, much less another 800 days.

I want to hear his voice, I want to feel his arm around me, I want to smell his “scent”.  I want him to be here for Grace.  I want him to give her advice about high school, boys, and all the other things her big brother  would do.  I don’t want her to be an only child, wishing for her brother to still be here.  I don’t want the “handshake” they had together to be something she now does in the air…alone.  I hate when she goes down the street to shoot hoops all by herself.

I want Bill to have his son.  I don’t want Bill left alone at the house while Grace and I do cheer.  I want them hunting together or playing baseball.  I want Bill to be having grown up, mature conversations with his boy about driving and dating and college.  I don’t want Bill getting ready for baseball season…alone, without Warren.

I wish I was posting a picture of him and a date at the formal from last weekend or getting ready for the Sweet 16 dance.

I struggle with the realization that Grace has now passed him in age.  Her older brother is now younger than she is.  It’s like all of a sudden we have no frame of reference.  Everything is new for us…graduating 8th grade, high school, driving.  It’s weird and hard to explain.

On one hand it’s like we are leaving him behind.  As we leave middle school and the memories of the last couple years behind, I feel like we leave a part of us as well.  Although going back was so difficult after Warren died..it’s all we’ve known and it almost brings me comfort to be where he last was..A new school, means new memories that don’t include him.

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“various trials”

As time keeps ticking and we wake to face another day..we are forced to face many other life issues…

We are not immune to life’s other “various trials”.

I remember thinking right after Warren died that surely we would get a “break”…We did not, and have not.  I could list major obstacles and challenges that have come our way just in the last 6 months.  Parenting and marriage is hard when operating from a very broken place.  Juggling time and responsibilities bring stress and sleepless nights.

In the beginning we gave ourselves a bit of a break, knowing people would understand (or hoping they would)…But now, it’s just different

I don’t know if the statement “Time Heals” is accurate, but “Life Goes On” certainly is!

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you face trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. (James 1:2-4)

Not the Only One With Stuff…

I have found myself on my knees praying and asking God to “please help us”!  That may sound a bit dramatic, but the truth is I can’t face any of this alone.  Not the “normal” stuff, not the hurt, not being a mother, not being a wife…and on and on!

In my weakness, the above paragraphs of “how I wish things could be”…would always take over and despair would set in (and believe me it happens)

But as I have cried and worked through some things..I also know I’m not the only one with “STUFF”

I’ve been reading and following Katherine and Jay Wolf and reading their book Hope Heals.  www.hopeheals.com 

Katherine suffered a massive brain stem stroke and lives with many physical disabilities.  She is paralyzed on 1/2 her body and is in a wheelchair.

Even in her own suffering she realizes… just because you’re not in a wheelchair doesn’t mean you don’t face seasons of life where you feel stuck or paralyzed with no way out…

Oh, how often life has not turned out the way we planned.

All of our suffering is unique and cannot be compared..However, no matter the specifics of our circumstances there is only one answerone hope and that is Jesus.  We all might journey differently to land here, but no matter your hurt, or fear, or the unbearable situation you face….there is ONE Hope, One salvation, One Jesus and He cares about YOU and me!

So, as I scrolled through Instagram earlier and saw a precious newborn facing certain challenges his sweet momma never dreamed they would …I am reminded of the one thing that most often connects us ~ our pain and brokenness.

Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. (Hebrews 4:16)

For this light and momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison.  (2 Corinthians 4:17)

Why are you downcast O my soul and why are you disquieted within me?  Hope in God.  For I shall again praise Him.  He is my help and my God. (Psalm 42:5,11 43:5)