I Can’t Help But Wonder…

3/2012

I miss this freckled face boy every day…and my heart aches as he would have turned 17 on March 23rd

Warren went to heaven on November 24, 2014..He was 13.

Around his birthday, more than any other time, I wonder more about what he would look like and how our lives would be different if he were still here.

Wondering can be painful, as my thoughts drift toward the things that will never be…

Would you be dating? Would you be playing a sport? What kind of car would you be driving? Would you be tall and skinny? Would your hair be long or short? Who would your friends be? What would you do for fun on a Friday night? Where would you want to go to college

I also wonder about Heaven. I wonder about you in Heaven and what that might be like. I wonder about that day … when I will see you again…

And then I wonder….

I wonder how my life would be different? Would I really know Jesus like I do now? Would I undoubtedly know and have experienced true peace? I wonder…Would I cling to His Word like I couldn’t live without it ? Would I genuinely long for Heaven or still be trying to find contentment in this world? I wonder …..would I understand wholeheartedly the need to strive for him? Would I truly know what it means to set my eyes on things above?

I wonder if my anthem would unquestionably be ‘Jesus Is Enough’ & ‘Heaven Is Better’? Would my hope be in Christ alone?

I wonder COULD I really, undoubtedly, truly, genuinely, wholeheartedly & unquestionably know the Jesus I know today outside of my suffering?

As I look ahead to Easter, the cross, the death, the burial and the resurrection…I wonder can I like Paul, consider everything else (the satisfactions of this world) worthless when compared to the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus?

I once thought these things were valuable, but now I consider them worthless because of what Christ has done. Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as loss, so that I could gain Christ and become one with him. I no longer count on my own righteousness through obeying the law; rather, I become righteous through faith in Christ. For God’s way of making us right with himself depends on faith. I want to know Christ and experience the mighty power that raised him from the dead. I want to suffer with him, sharing in his death, so that one way or another I will experience the resurrection from the dead! Philippians 3:7-11

These are Paul’s words not mine. I want to be able to proclaim like he did, but if I’m 100% honest I wish I could have all of Jesus AND Warren. I wish there had been another way… A life of little suffering… and certainly not the kind of suffering that comes with the death of a child.

But like Paul and like Jesus who set his face toward Jerusalem (Luke 9:51) I want to position my eyes upward. I want to press on, straining forward to what lies ahead -Future Glory!

As we observe this Good Friday, pondering the cross, the brutal death of our Savior…For me and for you…I wonder what it must have been like for him? Scripture says he was greatly distressed and troubled, his soul was very sorrowful, even to death. He fell to the ground as he prayed and asked the Father if it were possible the hour might pass from him. (Mark 14:34-36)

As I wonder… I set my eyes on the cross. I humbly position my heart today to pray. I can’t really answer all the questions of my wondering, but I do know this…I’m changed because of my suffering and how God in his infinite grace and mercy meets me there…. And because of Christ’s death on the cross and his resurrection, I have hope.

What do you wonder? I pray that in your own wondering, you find the beautiful Hope of Jesus Christ…

If I’m Honest…

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If I’m honest…I am relieved the “Holidays” are coming to a close. I don’t hate Thanksgiving or Christmas, the festivities, and all that goes with them…In fact, being with friends and family is something I love very much..but I just struggle more during this time of year without Warren. It’s like every event, every gathering, & every picture is a reminder that things are not as they should be…

Remembering WB…always and forever ~We Believe

The expectations and the pressure (from myself) to make things “right” is simply exhausting. The music, the lights, the parties, the gifts, the decorations, the shopping…the overall stress can just about send anybody over the edge…now add to that the constant ache and longing for my boy, that won’t be here again this year to celebrate…well, it’s almost too much

In my opinion, this time of year is the hardest…because you just can’t escape it

The conflict…

I think the conflict of what I’m supposed to “feel”, and how I actually “feel” is more intense. The holidays are supposed to be all merry and bright and everything jolly…and I want that, oh, I really want that…but it’s so much more of a “fight” between my head and my heart and I’m constantly having to ignore the pain so I can function. I tell myself, “I’ll grieve later…I’ll cry later.” And of course it can build up and then I act like a crazy person or take it out on someone, usually one of the two people I love most….I say I’m sorry, but what’s done is done and the words I can’t take back…. Oh, it can be a vicious cycle.

The distractions that come with the season also make things harder. Inevitably, schedules become busier and my attention is divided among too many things. Somehow, my routine of spending time in the Word can suffer, and oh how quickly my focus can be more on the things of this world…and then it’s only a matter of time before things spiral…downward…

The Hope of Christmas…

And then, when I least expect it, I receive a text, a note, a gift, or a word of encouragement that switches my attention to what I do love about this time of year….People remembering and loving and giving of themselves. My attention shifts from how I feel to what I know…and what I know is Jesus… And because of Jesus and the people that point me back to Jesus, I can see a little more clearly past the hurt to the Promise of the One who never changes and who is One Day going to make all these sad things untrue.

On Christmas Day…I told Grace we’d have to “try again next year” to make it better or somehow easier. What I actually insinuated was that maybe next year we could skip Christmas..and she immediately pulled back and told me I was losing my mind 🙂

She was right… and if I’m honest, I don’t want to skip Christmas. The truth is, I need Christmas. The Hope of Christmas is everything to me!

Flexible and Last Minute 🙂 …

We decided last minute to drive and be with family because being home alone, just the 3 of us, was something we weren’t ready for.

Christmas Eve Service, celebrating Jesus with my family in San Antonio couldn’t have been more special …

The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it… John 1:5

The wonderful noise of my nieces and nephews Christmas morning was exactly what we needed.

My favorite Christmas moment…

My favorite memory was early Christmas morning with Grace and my nephew Tatum …He was looking for “the red shirt my mom told me to put on before going downstairs”, and after finding it, he had his head inside the shirt, and I said something about praying together before waking mom and dad. Honestly, at the time I think i was using it as a stall tactic:) but when Tatum looked at me and said “ok” as if it were only natural that we pray first, I asked him what we should pray for….and with little to no hesitation at all he said, “Let’s ask Jesus to keep Warren safe in heaven and to tell Warren Merry Christmas.” As you can imagine, my eyes were warm with tears as I softly whispered the words this 6 year old boy had requested.

May I never forget that it’s in the “hard” that somehow I see Jesus most clearly. He never fails to show up and He is always perfectly ENOUGH!

A quick trip to the JW in San Antonio Christmas Day…a hard place for me because of the memories I have of being there as a family of 4. If I’m honest, it was a difficult 24hrs. I suppose the “let down” after Christmas is hard and the quiet that follows makes room for the reality of our life to settle back in… and so the “fight” continues to fix our eyes on Jesus…to remember that He is faithful..and to keep singing the song of victory…

Exodus 15

The Song of Moses
Then Moses and the people of Israel sang this song to the Lord, saying,

“I will sing to the Lord, for he has triumphed gloriously;
the horse and his rider he has thrown into the sea.
2 The Lord is my strength and my song,
and he has become my salvation;
this is my God, and I will praise him,
my father’s God, and I will exalt him.”

Christmas 2013…probably one of my very favorites!

Remembering…

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But as for me, I will look to the Lord;

I will wait for the God of my salvation;

My God will hear me.

Rejoice not over me, O my enemy;

When I fall, I will RISE

When I sit in darkness,

the Lord will be a LIGHT to me.

Micah 7:7-8

Remembering…This past weekend seemed to mimic the weekend 2 years ago that Warren was injured in an ATV accident that ultimately took his life….or better said, the weekend Warren met Jesus face to face, the weekend Warren made it Home! The weather & the blue skies…it was so similar and hard to ignore.

The details of the weekend and how normal life seemed to be until that horrible moment have me thinking and remembering…

The obvious….How VERY much we miss Warren and wish that day almost 2 years ago had turned out differently.

The other…How quickly life can change, how fleeting this life is, & most importantly, how all of this points me to Jesus ..STILL!

It’s been almost 2 years, and I’m not sure if it seems like yesterday or the longest 2 years of my life..Both, maybe. But One thing remains, our Hope is Jesus. He is the Light of the world and because of this Promise, we will RISE UP and be thankful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ..and because of The Gospel we KNOW that Warren is ALIVE and we will see him again…

You remembering Warren is important to us. It is important to know that you have not forgotten. I know the how and the what are difficult and you want to be respectful …if it makes you feel any better, even within our immediate family, we don’t always know what we want or need..and that may actually complicate things , BUT what we do know is that however you choose to remember our boy…it will be perfect!

Be a LIGHT, Be the Hands and Feet of Jesus to a neighbor, Show kindness, Talk about Warren, Be thankful, Post a favorite memory, Send us a text, Wear your camo, Let someone know they are LOVED…Share on social media #warrenswarriors

We are grateful for our family, friends..our entire community and how so many of you have bravely walked beside us ..both near and from a distance. We have not forgotten and we could not possibly thank you enough.

This song and the lyrics are a powerful reminder of Jesus and the unshakeable Hope we have in Him. He is the One that quiets our doubts, echos within us every Promise. His Word is louder than our fears and His JOY is greater than our grief.

I have set my heart on You. You have every part of me.

Zambia Part 2

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*This is one of my favorite pictures!!!

Arriving in Zambia

We arrived in Zambia Saturday evening after 2 days of travel! We were exhausted, emotional and excited.. all wrapped up in one! We were greeted by a super friendly Camp Life staff, a choir of beautiful voices worshiping in song and dance, and the most beautiful scenery/backdrop I think I have ever seen.

It was truly powerful and evident from the very beginning that God was working and the Holy Spirit was moving..and this was just the first day!

Sunday…

View More: http://familylegacy.pass.us/weekfour2016 — Photo by Kate Swail 🙂

Sunday was our first full day and a special one for sure….We worshipped together with the Zambian children, in their language and ours. The songs were songs of celebration as well as a cry for Jesus to come down. I remember the lyrics of a particular song that spoke to my heart that day…“We need you Jesus, it’s hard without you”. So simple, yet this message is the cry of my heart every day…And it’s the same with these children. They believe Jesus is THE answer, and their honest and deep need for Him was heard in every song. They don’t take anything for granted and the work that God is doing through Family Legacy is giving them an opportunity for a life outside of poverty they would not have otherwise.

I met two women on Sunday that God so graciously put in my path…Wendy and Elizabeth! Wendy was sitting in the worship center among hundreds of Zambian children as we entered into the Legacy Center. It was packed and we didn’t see many open seats. Grace left to snag an empty chair and I sat near her across the aisle. A few seats down sat Wendy, who quickly introduced herself to Grace and eventually to me.

View More: http://familylegacy.pass.us/weekfour2016

It was a brief conversation, but one that gave me the opportunity to share with her about Warren. The look in her eyes and the kind words she spoke were more than the typical sympathy gesture. It ends up she is walking a similar journey with one of her best friends who has a son in Heaven.

Here we are, both from Texas, sitting in this room in Africa, full of people…and God uses her journey/story to encourage my hurting heart. I’ve even heard Grace tell the story of meeting Wendy..and how crazy it was that of all the places for us to find a seat in that crowded room…God sat us next to her!!

Elizabeth

My “evangelist” or “Zambian helper”… This is her title but, she is SO MUCH MORE and the time spent getting to know her and work beside her is forever etched on my heart. She is in her 30’s, married with 2 children. She has a son and a daughter. Her son lives in Heaven. He died 2 days after he was born. She is a grieving mother who has placed her complete faith and trust in Jesus Christ. Her hope is Jesus. She smiles and laughs because she has set her sights on eternity….

This precious girl is who I was paired with!! God gave me Elizabeth! We, of course immediately bonded because we both have children in heaven. Only another mother who has experienced the death of a child can truly relate ..and that she did! We embraced. We cried. We laughed. We shared our stories.

Elizabeth prayed some of the most beautiful prayers I think I’ve ever heard. She came to me each morning with a Word or a scripture. Her rock solid love for Jesus was contagious and encouraging.

I miss her and think of her often. What a blessing she is to me!

Monday through Friday

As if Sunday weren’t enough God had so much more in store for us throughout the week. More special people and special moments… seeing God at work in Zambia has left us wanting more of Jesus. That one week, those 7 days, and 10 boys (each!)..have challenged me to live differently.

The children…

Most (all) of these kids are living in less than ideal situations. Abandoned. Orphaned. Some sleep on the floor, or a chair, maybe, if they’re lucky, they share a bed with another family member. Most eat only once or twice a day. They are not in school. The boys in my group are between the ages of 7&10 and most have never been to school.

You can help…We can help!

Family Legacy has 22 privately-owned and operated Legacy Academy schools within 18 different communities of Lusaka, Zambia.

Each child that is sponsored receives a daily hot meal, school supplies, uniforms and Christian discipleship services.

Family Legacy believes that educating these children is just the beginning to growing a new generation of Christian leaders in Zambia.

Below is a link for you to visit the Family Legacy website to learn more about how you can invest in the lives of these children.

Click Here

If you are interested in this type of commitment, we still have a few that need your help! I would love to share more about this, so you can message me below.

Yes, its a financial commitment, but it’s also a commitment to pray and stay connected with your child. It’s a wonderful opportunity to invest in Eternity, to have Kingdom vision, & to use the gifts God has given us to help someone less fortunate.

I continue to be amazed by God’s faithfulness. I don’t know why I’m often surprised when He comes through so specifically and intentionally, like putting such amazing people in my life from Family Legacy!! I find myself just saying, “Wow! God you’ve done it again. Taking our unimaginable pain and loss and turning it into gain…His gain.”

I can’t imagine this journey without Jesus. My heart aches for Warren every single day. I miss him so much! Oh, what I wouldn’t give to have him back, to hear his voice, to laugh and joke with him. I am constantly wondering what he would be like today…15 going on 16. Almost driving…dating? baseball? friends? I know he wouldn’t trade eternity for those things, but my mind and my heart just can’t fully let go of the “what if’s”….

I surrender to His sovereign plan….but it’s a decision I have to make over and over again. Missing my boy will always be part of who I am, what I do, what I feel…But it isn’t without hope that I miss Warren. I miss Warren knowing One Day I will see him again!! I’m thankful for this promise. I love you Jesus! I love you Warren!!

Zambia Part 1

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What an amazingly wonderful God we serve.

He continues to be faithful and His promises are true!

As many of you know we had the incredible opportunity to experience and be part of what God is doing through Family Legacy in Zambia.

We traveled to Lusaka, Africa June 23-July 3…. Camp Life – Week 4. We served and loved on children all week, and ended up being blessed BIG TIME by some precious 9 & 10 year old little boys that we got to know and spend time with.

There is so much to share, as God continues to speak to my heart and transform me from who I was, to who He wants me to be. I am so thankful that this was not just an event, but rather a spring board for MORE of Jesus in my life.

He is working and moving…using Zambia to remind me that He has a plan for my life, for good and not evil…a future and a HOPE! (Jer. 29:11)

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners. Is. 61:1

These sweet boys stole our hearts forever…

Video Clip 🙂

I gathered some pictures from our trip and created a short video. Some of the pictures are ones that we took personally, while some were taken by Kate Swail, one of the CL photographers who became a very, very dear friend 🙂 You can watch the video by clicking on this link… camp life 2016 video

Thank you

We are beyond grateful for Family Legacy and all those who helped make this trip possible. God continues to show me “new things”… He continues to bring healing to my brokenness, and purpose to my pain.

Remembering WB

There wasn’t one day, one moment that I didn’t think of Warren and how much he would have loved being part of Camp Life. These boys would have loved him! It was an honor to share Warren’s story as we used it to share the Hope of Jesus Christ with these kids who desperately need something to hope in!

“Jesus Is Enough” isn’t just a clever christian saying…as I continue to preach this to myself every day, I believe it with every fiber of my being. I wanted each of these precious Zambian boys to know that no matter what they face, or how hard life seems to get, Jesus is the answer and He is enough. It’s not easy…in fact, it can be awfully hard…so I’m choosing to do “hard” with Jesus. In Christ Jesus, I am victorious!! Isn’t that good news? Oh, I want them to live victorious in Christ….

Stay tuned…because you can help 😉 I have so many stories, but I wanted to break it up , so nothing would be lost in a super long post.

Overwhelmed with a grateful heart…

I love you Warren Austin Barfield…oh, “One Day” is coming!!!

afraid yet filled with joy…

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March….

Spring Break ~ Warren’s 15th birthday ~ Move ~ Easter

Spring Break 2016

Florida with Bill and Grace for Spring Break. Spring Break in Florida without Warren.

Beautiful sunsets…

Beautiful flowers…

Beautiful water, blue skies & white sand….

New adventures…

Beautiful and New. Laughter and Sorrow. Stories and Adventures. Tears and Joy.

This is how we do our new normal…experiencing new, while remembering the past and longing for how things used to be. Moving forward, but desperately wishing we could go back. Making new memories, but fondly remembering the old…

We continue to trust The One in control…but Oh, how we wish things were different.

Happy 15th Birthday to my first born!!!

We celebrate you every day…so when March 23rd roles around each year, we will praise God for the days we had with you on this earth, and JOYFULLY look forward to the forever celebration to come….Love you…MORE!

I guess we thought we would “eat” our way through the day… 🙂 So we had some of your favorites! Grace and I also went and had our nails painted blue! Honestly…we fumbled through the day not knowing really what to do or how to do it. It wasn’t perfect…it won’t ever be, i guess…So we just asked God to be glorified and to surround us with a love greater than all loves…and…He did just that. So thankful that we serve a God that loves us and considers us in our time of need.

La Madeleine for breakfast (quiche lorraine, strawberries) 🙂

Bar-b-q for dinner (ribs…)

Lemon cake…

We moved…….

There is so much behind this picture…There is NO WAY I can put into words or even begin to describe how God used these (and others not pictured) to minister, encourage, support, and physically help us with this move. My heart is full every time I look at these faces and remember the sacrifice of time and energy they gave to our family, on their day off, to come and serve.

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In case you didn’t notice in the above pictures…there is one person who just might have experienced the biggest blessing of all! You see, on Sunday, 5 days before this picture was taken, he was in the hospital. 5 days before this picture, this man, My Dad, or better yet, Warren’s Granddad, was wearing a vest that was monitoring his heart. He was weak and possibly looking at surgery to place a pacemaker that would control an abnormal heart rhythm.

5 days before this picture, I asked God to completely heal his heart. I knew the pacemaker and the doctors caring for him could assist in his getting better…but I asked that God would heal his heart completely. 3 days before this picture, my brother called and said..”hey, the doctor said Dad’s heart has reverted back to normal. they are removing the vest and he has no physical restrictions.” Dad said to the doctor, “this is a miracle!” and the doctor said…”well, thats one way to look at it.” We are so grateful to the doctors and nurses and how they have cared for our Dad. We just believe that it is God’s sovereignty that instead of a pacemaker keeping his heart in rhythm, it’s beating just fine on its own!

So…as dad hugged each neck, and shook each hand, He was blessed in a huge way!

Jesus hears us. He loves us…& He is the Great Physician.

Easter…

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow

If the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, he who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies though his Spirit who dwells in you. Romans 8:11

After what seemed like a month of “hard” … we closed it out by switching our focus to the cross, the resurrection, and the Hope that ‘Sunday’s coming’! I just believe it wasn’t a coincidence that the first morning in our new home was Easter morning. Easter. Pointing us to look back and to remember, and in remembering, we can confidently look ahead, knowing that deliverance IS coming! Our future is secure in Christ! It might not be yet, but IT IS coming!

For now we see in a mirror dimly but then face to face, Now I know in part, Then I shall know FULLY, even as I have been FULLY known. (1 Cor. 13:12)

Leaving the house where Warren last lived , packing up his things…putting them in tubs so fearful we were leaving him behind… was painful for my still very tender heart. But as I take the time to look back at how graciously God provided ~ His mercies NEW every morning , I am strengthened once again to take a step of faith forward.

‘He has risen from the dead and is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him.’ So the women hurried away from the tomb, afraid yet filled with joy… (Matthew 28:7-8)

Today, I am thankful that He goes before me. I am also thankful that as a mom who misses her boy, I can be ‘afraid YET filled with Joy’….

12th bday…

Dressed for the Game…

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March 2011-White Sox (10 yrs old)

I absolutely love this picture of Warren!! I love the arm bands and the black and white rope around his neck. He wore these things himself. Whenever he stepped foot on a baseball field (for a game or practice), he was ready…mentally, physically, and completely dressed. And by completely dressed, I mean his shirt tucked in with a belt! ALWAYS! This was initially encouraged by his Dad, but eventually Warren would do this on his own without any prompting from us.

I love this picture without his baseball cap on! I can see his eyes and his freckles. I can tell his hair has been recently cut. He seriously looks so handsome! It almost seems like yesterday….I like seeing him with all his gear, but this picture where I can see his whole face makes me smile. We had many great seasons of baseball and loved each of them for different reasons. However, this may be one of my favorites. I just remember Warren growing so much as a player this season…not to mention lasting friendships that came from this team!!

Baseball is starting up …What I wouldn’t give to be watching our #12 play! It still hurts in ways I can’t explain. I miss it all…carpooling, practices, games, tournaments, blankets, friends, winning, losing, bats, bags, dirty baseball pants, gloves, caps, ( & I can’t forget sunscreen!)….It just can’t be, really, that those things will not be in my life….at least not as we once knew it. I miss it and it makes me very sad.

Is that ok? I just want to be sad. I want to explain that not one single day goes by that I’m not sad. At some point, every single day I think of my boy and I am sad that he is not here with me. A little more than 12 months has passed and being sad is still daily …for me. Sad, doesn’t always mean tears, but sometimes. Sad doesn’t mean I can’t function, but sometimes. Sad doesn’t mean I’m hiding at home, but sometimes. Sad doesn’t mean I can’t laugh, but sometimes. Sad doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy time with friends, but sometimes. SOMETIMES when I’m sad I do just want to hide and cry, but other times I choose to focus on the eternal and remember my Hope is found in Jesus Christ. In those moments …my “sad” moments, I’m reminded to trust even more in Jesus.

So, I’ve been sad that Warren didn’t get to try out for the Stratford baseball team. AND, if I’m really honest, I feel like he missed out. It’s not about whether he’d made it or not, but he didn’t even get a chance. It stinks!!

We actually went to one of the teams’ first scrimmages on Friday afternoon…the weather was amazing, it was so good to see some of his buds, and visit with friends. But as we left, I had this overwhelming feeling like we were leaving something/someone behind. I used to feel that a lot right after Warren died…but Friday night, walking to our car, that feeling consumed me. I guess in some way I was leaving something behind…MY hopes and MY dreams of watching Warren play HS baseball. Nothing wrong with those hopes and dreams, but at this point on our journey that’s what they are…hopes and dreams for my precious boy that I must lay at the feet of Jesus and trust that His plans are better than mine…that His ways are higher. It’s not about me…or Warren. It’s much bigger! I’m trusting, still… that God is working, that HE loves me and that He is Good!!

As I sat in those stands Friday afternoon I was reminded that Warren actually had been on this field before. Several years ago (4th grade, I think) Warren was a bat boy for one of the Stratford HS games. That was a pretty cool experience for him! So, I found some pictures from that evening! Sweet boy….

I feel like so much has happened over the last couple of months and God has been MORE than we could have ever asked or hoped for during some very difficult days… We continue to be overwhelmed by our family and friends who are still journeying with us..WOW, is really all I can say. We love each of you and cannot imagine doing this without your love and support.

Today in Bible Study it was said that…”God is moving!” I believe this to be true… I want to be ready “keeping my ear to the ground” (thank you Hannah)..waiting, expectantly waiting, longing for the “more” that He wants to pour out on His people! So, if I may, I want to be like Warren, who was always dressed and ready for the “game”..

The Lord your God is in your midst, a Mighty One who will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness; He will quiet you by his love; He will exult (rejoice) over you with loud singing.

Zephaniah 3:17