I absolutely lovethis picture of Warren!! I love the arm bands and the black and white rope around his neck. He wore these things himself. Whenever he stepped foot on a baseball field (for a game or practice), he was ready…mentally, physically, and completely dressed. And by completely dressed, I mean his shirt tucked in with a belt! ALWAYS! This was initially encouraged by his Dad, but eventually Warren would do this on his own without any prompting from us.
I love this picture without his baseball cap on! I can see his eyes and his freckles. I can tell his hair has been recently cut. He seriously looks so handsome! It almost seems like yesterday….I like seeing him with all his gear, but this picture where I can see his whole face makes me smile. We had many great seasons of baseball and loved each of them for different reasons. However, this may be one of my favorites. I just remember Warren growing so much as a player this season…not to mention lasting friendships that came from this team!!
Baseball is starting up …What I wouldn’t give to be watching our #12 play! It still hurts in ways I can’t explain. I miss it all…carpooling, practices, games, tournaments, blankets, friends, winning, losing, bats, bags, dirty baseball pants, gloves, caps, ( & I can’t forget sunscreen!)….It just can’t be, really, that those things will not be in my life….at least not as we once knew it. I miss it and it makes me very sad.
Is that ok? I just want to be sad. I want to explain that not one single day goes by that I’m not sad. At some point, every single day I think of my boy and I am sad that he is not here with me. A little more than 12 months has passed and being sad is still daily …for me. Sad, doesn’t always mean tears, but sometimes. Sad doesn’t mean I can’t function, but sometimes. Sad doesn’t mean I’m hiding at home, but sometimes. Sad doesn’t mean I can’t laugh, but sometimes. Sad doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy time with friends, but sometimes. SOMETIMES when I’m sad I do just want to hide and cry, but other times I choose to focus on the eternal and remember my Hope is found in Jesus Christ. In those moments …my “sad” moments, I’m reminded to trust even more in Jesus.
So, I’ve been sad that Warren didn’t get to try out for the Stratford baseball team. AND, if I’m really honest, I feel like he missed out. It’s not about whether he’d made it or not, but he didn’t even get a chance. It stinks!!
We actually went to one of the teams’ first scrimmages on Friday afternoon…the weather was amazing, it was so good to see some of his buds, and visit with friends. But as we left, I had this overwhelming feeling like we were leaving something/someone behind. I used to feel that a lot right after Warren died…but Friday night, walking to our car, that feeling consumed me. I guess in some way I was leaving something behind…MY hopes and MY dreams of watching Warren play HS baseball. Nothing wrong with those hopes and dreams, but at this point on our journey that’s what they are…hopes and dreams for my precious boy that I must lay at the feet of Jesus and trust that His plans are better than mine…that His ways are higher. It’s not about me…or Warren. It’s much bigger! I’m trusting, still… that God is working, that HE loves me and that He is Good!!
As I sat in those stands Friday afternoon I was reminded that Warren actually had been on this field before. Several years ago (4th grade, I think) Warren was a bat boy for one of the Stratford HS games. That was a pretty cool experience for him! So, I found some pictures from that evening! Sweet boy….
I feel like so much has happened over the last couple of months and God has been MORE than we could have ever asked or hoped for during some very difficult days… We continue to be overwhelmed by our family and friends who are still journeying with us..WOW, is really all I can say. We love each of you and cannot imagine doing this without your love and support.
Today in Bible Study it was said that…”God is moving!” I believe this to be true… I want to be ready “keeping my ear to the ground” (thank you Hannah)..waiting, expectantly waiting, longing for the “more” that He wants to pour out on His people! So, if I may, I want to be like Warren, who was always dressed and ready for the “game”..
The Lord your God is in your midst,a Mighty One who will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness; He will quiet you by his love; He will exult (rejoice) over you with loud singing.
Every day is a fight. Every moment there is a choice to be made. I do not just wake up believing that Jesus will be enough. I do not get dressed and go about my day with hope in my heart and joy in my step…just because. No! Does anybody? Maybe…but the reality is, the fight for my affections begin as soon as I am awake and continue off and on throughout the day. The choice to put on “eternal lenses” is a constant fight. Believing the promise that Jesus will be enough..is a daily fight…and as far as Hope and Joy, those don’t just happen either. I am a mom who wakes every morning to the reality that the battle is real and the fight is not over. I wake each morning with a heavy heart knowing I will walk by an empty room, see a bed that hasn’t been slept in for months and clothes that haven’t been worn. Every morning I am reminded that death stole something from me that I will never get back this side of heaven… And then the “fight” begins!
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. But Jesus…But Jesus…Yes! Jesus has come that I might have life and have it abundantly!! Jesus has been enough! He is enough! He will be enough again…today! Jesus, Jesus, Jesus…. The struggle within..”Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? Why?… But, I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again-my Savior and my God.”(Psalm 42:5,6)
Please Jesus, help me to remember that what I suffer now is nothing compared to the glory you will reveal to us later.(Rom. 8:18) You tell me in Your Word that my present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Oh, yes, they are real..yet they are producing for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever.(2 Cor. 4:17) I Believe! Jesus, help me with my unbelief!
Today I will believe with confidence, that because of His grace, I have been declared righteous and will inherit eternal life.(Titus 3:7) I will look forward with hope to that wonderful day when the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ will be revealed!(Titus 2:13)
This kind of “preaching to myself” usually happens before I even get out of bed, and then again and again and again all day long!! And I can say with absolute confidence, when I call upon the name of the Lord, He listens and He hears me. He holds me and He walks me through the suffering, the pain, the tears and the heartache of missing Warren. It’s not always pretty, and the ache often threatens to take me down…but even down at the very bottom of my grief my Hope in Jesus is SURE and STEADY!
Nearing the ‘one year mark’ of Warren’s death I find myself looking at pictures and thinking…”this time last year”. It’s crazy to think that as November 24th,2015 comes and goes, we enter into a different phase of our journey. There will no longer be memories of ‘this time last year’ that include Warren on this earth. Crazy, just crazy!
Labor Day 2014…
However, I was also reminded this week that our future will be far greater than our past! I am part of something Jesus is doing, and He will prevail!! The possibilities are endless when Jesus is in the story. The world would say I have lost, but Jesus, eternity, says the best is yet to come!!
Nothing here on earth will be our ultimate consolation. Our ultimate consolation is eternal! As long as I keep my eyes fixed on this promise, I believe that I (we)can become less and less devastated because… at the end of the day something better is coming! Praise God! He is coming back!
Missing you so much…We all are! Love you, MORE
Below are links to 2 messages I listened to this past week that were a huge encouragement to me:
For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear,but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba Father!”. The Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs-heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him.
Isaiah 43:1-2 When you pass through the waters I will be with you; and through the rivers they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.
Well, 14 days of summer and counting…. How are we doing? I have absolutely no idea…I’m finding that there is no such thing as a “good” day or even a “bad” day. It can change from one moment to the next, and for no real apparent reason. Sometimes I can even be standing with someone and my heart seems protected from the pain but all of a sudden it’s like a wave of reality knocks the very breath out of me and I can’t focus to save my life. Part of me wants to cry, while the other just wants desperately to push it out of my mind. To let myself cry opens up the raw part of my hurt and I feel so vulnerable. Vulnerability in grief is a scary thing…It’s like I have no control of my own emotions or any idea how or when the moment will end. On the other hand…If I push the pain away, then I begin to have guilt. Guilt, that doesn’t make sense..but it’s like I’m saying “I can’t, Warren…not right now..I just can’t”. I hate to use the familiar expressions: ‘ebb and flow’, ‘roller coaster of emotion’..But, there is no better way to describe how one minute (or minutes) I can be functioning and carrying on like things are good, and then the next feel like I just stare right through the person and wonder how fast I can remove myself from the moment. This is the part of grief that makes it so hard to plan anything. When my thoughts are taken captive by the painful reality that Warren isn’t coming back…nothing feels right. However, when experiencing moments of God’s grace and unexplainable peace…I can actually participate (and enjoy) social interactions with friends and family.
For example, last week Grace had to go back to the dentist for sealants. I hadn’t thought much about it…not like before, when I KNEW it was going to be tough walking in for the first time. I sat in the waiting room..texted with a few friends, even saying how ‘good’ summer had been so far! (mind you, I think this was last Monday…what? like day 1 of summer break 🙂 ) Grace and I got in the car and I commented to her, “We did it! We accomplished the dentist!” She smiled…and I was proud and thankful. I mean, when I really thought about it…Of course, God brought me back to a ‘hard’ place to show me…”See, not so hard…one day at a time. I will see you through this. I WILL HOLD YOU!” Thank you Jesus for the amazing reminder of your ‘bigness’ at the dentist! Yea, for the dentist 🙂
And then there’s Target…Shopping with Grace. This was only a few days later and I hadn’t seen this as being a big deal. But….. We walked in, and the smell, the sounds, the feeling of ‘summer’, all the people…I could hardly breathe. My chest seemed to tighten, I began to sweat, or feel “sweaty”(which happens..it’s weird) and I couldn’t focus on what we were there for. Had Grace only known…this trip to Target could have been her lucky day! I would have said yes to just about anything…I just wanted out. But…We were there to buy some shorts and tops, while also looking for a swim suit(so help me), so I needed/wanted to pull it together. So, this was one of those moments I would try to push the pain aside…think of something else, force my heart to not “feel”, and will my tears to stay away …for now. However, everywhere I looked I was reminded of Warren. I’m not sure I ever strolled through Target noticing so many ‘boy’ things. All I could think of was: how unfair…why me?….why us? could this really be? I stood outside the dressing room, approving (and disapproving) of her outfits…I stood staring as people would walk by. I wondered what their stories were. I know very well, that I am not the only one with a story…but like so many, we go about our lives pretending that everything is ok…scared to let anyone in, not wanting to let anyone in, or like that day, just needing to do “normal” for the sake of accomplishing a necessary task.
After what seemed an eternity, Grace looked at me, obviously noticing that her mom was physically there but not emotionally, and said she was done. Happy with our Target finds, we paid for our things and made it to the car. I looked at Grace and honestly shared how difficult that had been for me….how being there reminded me of Warren. I was reminded of how we had shopped last summer for a last-minute trip to the beach, when we tagged along with Bill on a business trip. My very brave girl just smiled, a half-smile, because I know she feels it too, and we just sat, for a moment staring straight ahead, not saying anything..because nothing needed to be said.
Every single day, every single minute we (me, Bill and Grace) are making choices on how we deal with the hurt, the pain, and the screaming void in our lives. If we are laughing or smiling, it’s because we are choosing to see our situation with eternal lenses…something inside us gives us the strength to hold onto or be held by Jesus. Maybe it isn’t even a conscious decision, but nonetheless, some laughter that comes from our body is genuine laughing that brings much-needed rest and peace from the relentless pain. But just as the laughter stops and the smile on our face begins to fade…we can also choose to let the tears come, quiet fall, or words communicate how very much we miss our brother, son, and friend.
All of this happens every single day….choices, whether we recognize it or not, on how we will handle our new normal. One minute I can be texting a friend to express how awful I feel and the next minute pose for a silly pic that Grace can add to her snap chat. I look back at some of our more recent pictures/selfies and get confused myself as to how I was feeling that day or moment?!?
Grief doesn’t make sense and it doesn’t seem to follow a rule book. I assume that things I experience and feel as a grieving mom are different from other grieving moms..even if our situations are similar. I am an emotional person by nature, so I cry easily and probably more often than some. I don’t mind being alone (most of the time), in fact, I find comfort in being at home with time to read and listen to sermons. So much of what God is teaching me happens during my time alone with Him…I crave it and desperately need it! I can’t imagine this journey without Jesus being my lifeline…CAN-NOT imagine. God has also placed amazing people in my life to encourage me along in this journey. The other moms (whom I now call friends) that know all too well this road of suffering, have been, and continue to be absolutely priceless…I am beyond grateful and in awe as God provides, very specifically, to my unique needs each and every day. His promises are true, and He continues to be our Healer and our Comforter!
So…How is summer so far? Well, I can say that we miss the heck out of Warren and the hurt is deep and pretty constant. There are no words that I can come up with to explain this kind of suffering or heart ache. I think about him all the time. I am either yearning for summers past or wishing he weren’t missing out on this summer…it’s awful!
I can also say that the reality of our days so far have not been as bad as I had imagined. I imagined long days with Grace at the house…each of us confused and alone, not knowing how to “function” with so much time together. I worried how we would wake up each morning without Warren here and what those moments would look like…Truth is…I worried about our “tomorrows” !! Even last night I found myself shaking my head and thinking….”I can’t do it”…”I can’t do it”!!
So how is it not as bad as I imagined…? Jesus. Jesus comes through EVERY DAY!! In fact, EVERY DAY Jesus is waiting for me..ME! He gives me rest, but Hedoes not sleep!! Where does my help come from? Why can I say that the summer hasn’t been as awful as I imagined….? Because every day I am reminded where my help comes from…My help comes from the Maker of Heaven and earth. If I will just lift my eyes to the hills, above the wind and the waves, above the storm, He will not let my foot be moved. He will keep and protect me from stumbling. When I find myself in a “Target” moment….I Look UP!! When I can’t breathe or take one more step…when my tears seem to have no end…I Look Up!! When I begin to wonder if Jesus is enough….I Look Up!! I find Him every time. When I choose to Look Up.
Psalm 121: 1-3 I lift my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth. He will not let your foot be moved; He who keeps you will not slumber.
Hebrews 4:16 Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.
I can’t remember if I’ve mentioned before, but I struggle with fear. Fear can be crippling. Fear is not from God…and Satan has certainly had a field day distracting me with this stronghold…I recently heard a missionary speak on fear and he shared some amazing truths that have begun to create a shift in my thinking…He shared a couple of songs with me that I have been playing over and over the last couple of weeks. I believe that (loud) praise displaces fear….so I thought I would share these songs with you! The words at the beginning of this post are from one of the songs… ‘No Longer Slaves’ by Bethel Music. The other song, ‘Break Every Chain’ feat. Kristen DiMarco is absolutely life changing! I will post them with my other favorite songs!
Also, I mentioned that I listen to sermons. I come from a family of preachers…My Dad and my brother are both pastors. On days that I am home alone and sometimes in the evenings, I will find a sermon series to listen to…A few of my favorites include:
Colossians 3:16 Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs with thankfulness in your hearts to God.
I can look at these pictures and remember, like it was yesterday, your laugh and your smile that brought such joy to our family. This first summer with your new baby sister was so special. You loved her and treated her so tenderly. You enjoyed being outdoors and splashing in the pool or playing in your sandbox that Nana and Granddad gave you. You also loved to swing and play on your ‘big boy’ swing set. I remember it like yesterday, yet it also seems so far away…I love you buddy with my whole heart. Jesus is teaching me so much and I am trying so hard to be brave… Brave like Esther..(Granddad taught me that) I just read something that you wrote…that we were made to be “proclaimers” for Christ. I’ve not ever been really good at that…but I’m asking that God would continue to use your life’s story and that He would strengthen me and use me to “proclaim” the gospel of Jesus…Without Jesus, we have no hope! I just continue to be so proud of you.
I can say with confidence that Christ is my life…I am not ashamed, for I know whom I have believed, and I am convinced that he is able to guard until that Day what has been entrusted to me. (2 Timothy 1:12)
I love you Warren Austin Barfield. I miss you every morning. I miss you all throughout the day, and then I miss you at night as I lay in bed. I can not wait to meet Jesus face to face with you right by my side…promise me you’ll look for me!!
Me: “Good night, love you so much!!” You: “I love you more!”
Me: “Are we seriously going to argue about this? I love YOU more!”
You:” No, Mom, I love you More…end of story…!” ….and on and on we would go!!
I miss you sweet boy terribly every day…but today, on your birthday, my heart aches and swells with pride and joy all at the same time. I am sad I don’t get to greet you with birthday wishes, gifts and decorations. But how selfish that all sounds, when I consider the kind of birthday you must be having in heaven today. No, I don’t know exactly how or what that must be like, but I do know you are celebrating with the Almighty God who is worthy of our praise…
“Holy, Holy, Holy, is the Lord God Almighty, who was and is and is to come!” (Rev. 4:8)
I know that Heaven is better and that being with Jesus is better!
“Worthy are you, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power, for you created all things, and by your will they existed and were created.” (Rev. 4:11)