Today started like any other day…Waking up to our new reality (wishing desperately it were not so). We got out of bed, began our morning routine..almost without thinking. To think, would mean to question whether or not we could do it, or even wanted to do it. It’s like when I used to work out in the morning (forever ago!!), I had to decide that I would roll out of bed, get dressed, grab my tennis shoes..all without thinking. If I allowed my self to think..I would most certainly crawl back into bed, and allow my excuses to win over any determination I thought I had. Sometimes in order to push through, you simply “do” and don’t “think”! Which is how most mornings are for me… and this morning was no exception.
I have been anticipating my first Mother’s Day without Warren all week long. We would go to church and then lunch with friends…simple, easy! Well, I know it won’t be easy…but I was preparing myself for hard, which is half the battle! What I didn’t prepare for was today, the day before Mother’s Day. I am an emotional person by nature…I cry easily. I have learned how to hold it in when necessary…so as to not make a complete fool of myself or embarrass my family. However, today’s emotions have gripped me and made it difficult to simply push through.
I might owe some of you this explanation after running into you today. I assume you understand, in fact so many of you have already sent messages to let me know you are thinking of me…Thank you! Today has just been so very hard. I keep remembering last Mother’s Day and playing through those memories over and over in my head…and then I try and imagine how Mother’s Day ought to be this year. Both are equally as painful and have made today a challenge for me. I know I don’t owe anyone an apology, but please know that your smiles, hugs and pats on the back were appreciated..you didn’t make me cry, you just let me know it was ok to cry.
Even in my hard days..when my flesh wants to throw in the towel, I turn to my Heavenly Father. I cry out to Him, I beg Him, I talk to Him, I wait for Him…I look for Him. I acknowledge once again that I need Him. I read out loud, His many promises from scripture. I know he hears me, because I read it over and over in the Bible. But, I also know because, after I allow myself time to grieve and cry…I always feel a calm come over me. I don’t mean that my heart stops hurting, or even that I stop crying. I just mean the hurt becomes bearable and my tears become tears of healing and not despair.
Even as painful as today has been and continues to be even as I type, I am resting in God’s unfailing grace…His steadfast love. Oh, His Amazing Grace…I am not alone… God is very present in my pain and suffering. He is equipping me, and strengthening me to look beyond my circumstances into eternity. My hope is ONLY found in Him…may I never lose sight of the prize I have in Jesus.
Set your HOPE fully on the GRACE that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ. 1 Peter 1:13
I sought the Lord, and He answered me, and He delivered me from all my fears. Psalm 34:4
I will not cause pain without allowing NEW to be born says the Lord. Isaiah 66:9
Our soul waits for the Lord; He is our help and our shield. For our heart is glad in Him, because we trust in His Holy name. Let your steadfast love, O Lord, be upon us, EVEN as we HOPE in You. Psalm 33:20-22
Therefore let those who suffer according to God’s will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good. 1 Peter 4:19