hope…

 

 

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Miss you so much sweet boy!


 

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I feel like there is so much to catch up on.  I have so wanted to sit down and share about all of the events that have taken place over the last month or so…Warren’s birthday celebration, Easter, 2 special  baptisms, cheer award, first family wedding.   So many ways that God has been good and used so many of you to bless and minister to us.  However, I have to be honest…intertwined with all of these amazing events, I have been overcome with great sorrow.  More ‘firsts’, and time to reflect on how very much not having Warren here is affecting how we do life.

Since Easter, I feel like I have been in a real funk, more ‘sad’ days than ‘not sad’ days.  It’s hard to explain…It’s not that I have days where I am sad all day long, cry and mope around the house.  In fact, if you are friends with me, Grace or Bill on FB, or Instagram, you will see that we smile all the time…EVERY day!  Maybe behind some of those smiles we are extremely sad and simply wipe our tears away to pose for a picture.  Or maybe, we are truly experiencing that inexplainable joy that God continues to pour into our lives.  Either way, the ache has seemed more constant and I’ve spent more time desperately holding on to the promise that He will be enough for Today.  I am faced with constant reminders  that this IS hard and my heart IS broken.  The reality is that although I believe with my entire being Jesus Is Enough, I constantly have to preach this to myself.  Through the tears and gripping heartache, I can’t escape what hurts the most..Warren, although better off than I could ever hope for, is not coming back.  This cycle is exhausting.  Putting my trust in Jesus, while wishing more than anything Warren could be here with me is complicated.  It’s complicated because I can know what I read in scripture to be true, in my head.  While at the same time my heart hurts desperately.  Preaching to myself that God’s forever plan is better and that He is good, and that He loves me, and that His promises will never fail, help to keep my eyes on my HOPE, and that hope IS Jesus…BUT it does not take away the pain I experience every single day.  I think, as a Christ follower, I keep hoping that if I believe enough, trust enough, pray enough…I will hurt less.  And for those on this journey who are ahead of me, that may be true…however, at this point, no matter how much scripture I read or how hard I pray, I still miss and long for Warren just as much as I did in the beginning.  I think possibly the one thing that has changed, is the way I  feel the presence of Jesus tenderly and lovingly wrapping His arms around me as I cry and miss my sweet Warren. Nothing brings me more comfort than being in that kind of presence with Jesus.

And…that’s why it’s complicated!!  Because, just as sure as I can feel the nearness of my Heavenly Father, at times I can also wonder why I feel He has forsaken me…Why I feel so far from Him. Why, when I cry out, He does not answer.  Fortunately, He doesn’t leave me feeling forsaken..because in those moments I keep preaching to myself what I know to be true…He is gracious and has demonstrated time and time again to be my strong tower, my deliverer.  I can trust Him and He will rescue me in my suffering. (Psalm 22)

Please keep praying for us..our entire family, we hurt and this journey is very hard.  Even as we put ourselves in the midst of ‘normal’ activity, we are wishing that things were different, and that Warren was here.  So thank you for how you are loving on us and being sensitive during this time.

You might be wondering why the title ‘hope’…I sorda feel like I have put too much on the table that seems opposite of hope.  However, over the last couple of weeks the word God has given me is, Hope!!  Even in the pain God kept whispering “hope” to me.  I love when God gives me something tangible, and that’s just what He did with “Hope”!!

On Sunday April 12 we were leaving church and Bill noticed a name tag on the bottom of his shoe.  For some reason, Grace was curious whose name was on it, so Bill stopped to peel it off.  Grace read the name out loud, “Hope”.  I repeated it several times to myself and then to Grace and Bill…”hope, yes, hope!  Jesus is our hope!”  We were heading straight from church to witness a dear friend of Warren’s baptism.  This is a young man that was saved soon after Warren went to Heaven.  As we made our way to his church, I began praying that even though my heart was missing Warren, I would be able to celebrate with an eternal perspective, what God had done in his life.  We walked up, and right before we made it to the front door I noticed a small bottle of lotion on the ground.  I turned to glance at it, and noticed that the bottle read ‘hope’.  (Philosophy brand of lotion)  Grace was coming up behind me and I stopped her and pointed to it.  She thought it was cool, and I said something about how I thought God was giving us a special word to hold onto!  The baptism was certainly a visual of Hope, our salvation and the promise of eternal life with Jesus.  A few days later, a very dear friend dropped off a card with a gift card inside for a pedicure 🙂  Attached to the card was a small bag with a tiny silver shell inside.  As I put the card on the kitchen table the shell was facing down and I saw there was writing on one side…the word inscribed…. Hope.

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Yes, in my dark hour…He is my Hope!  In Jesus I have this Hope which is the confident expectation and desire for something good in the future.  Jesus ~ He is my future and I will wait with confidence and expectation for His good.

 

 

I will catch you up by sharing a few pictures of our last several weeks… Thank you again for your love and support and walking this journey along side us!

March 23,2015 ~ Warren's first birthday in heaven Celebrated his life with friends and family The mayor declared it Warren Barfield Day
March 23,2015 ~ Warren’s first birthday in heaven
Celebrated his life with friends and family
The mayor declared it Warren Barfield Day
Our church ~ HFBC turned the fountain blue in honor of Warren
Our church ~ HFBC
turned the fountain blue in honor of Warren
Easter 2015
Easter 2015~The first time to wear my ‘blue’ dress
Easter 'selfie'  :)
Easter ‘selfie’ 🙂

 

Sun Rise Easter Service in Hawaii
Sun Rise Easter Service in Hawaii
Warren's Aunt Beth...baptized on Easter Sunday
Warren’s Aunt Beth…baptized on Easter Sunday
Warren's best friend after baptism.
Warren’s best friend after baptism.
Grace receiving her cheer award~for her courage, perseverance, positive attitude, and of course her Rock-Star  talent :)
Grace receiving her cheer award~for her courage, perseverance, positive attitude, and of course her Rock-Star talent 🙂
We could not be more proud of the way she finished her cheer season~never giving up!
We could not be more proud of the way she finished her cheer season~never giving up!
Grace and her cousins at family wedding..
Grace and her cousins at family wedding..
Silly picture...miss you Warren
Silly picture… (Remembering Warren and one of our last pictures celebrating his baseball championship)  Miss you so very much Warren

 

But I will hope continually and will praise you yet more and more.  Psalm 71:14

This is my comfort in my affliction, that your promise gives me life. Psalm 119:50

9 thoughts on “hope…

  1. Rene Morris April 24, 2015 / 12:45 pm

    Oh, Julie! I am quite positive that Warren would be so delighted with how you share the love of Christ straight from your blog! Yes! To Christians hope means so much more! Where many people hope for something to happen, we find hope to be our faith and belief in our Heavenly Father! We KNOW that there is true and real hope in everything that God has promised us. Hope is a powerful word and I cannot for the life of me understand how anyone can get through something like this without the hope, love, trust and faith that we have because of our Lord and Savior! May God continue to bless you and hold you and move you through these harsh times. Most of all, we have that hope and faith and knowing that we will see our loved ones again. Through Christ hope is so powerful it is difficult to explain…keep that hope close to your heart and God will carry you through this. You have my prayers for strength and peace and that continued hope! Death has already been defeated and it CANNOT win. Your words here are powerful and it is obvious that God is working through you! I apologize for blogging on your blog but I just felt the need to let you know how very much your words meant to me today!

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  2. Carolyn McCall April 24, 2015 / 1:04 pm

    Precious friend – your faith and trust in Him is an awesome thing to see. Love you.

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  3. Julie LaRue April 24, 2015 / 1:19 pm

    Julie, you continue to inspire and lead us all in the direction of the Lord through your words. I can’t put into words how amazing your words are to me. Your family has truly changed lives including ours by your witness. Love you all!

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  4. Kelly Blickenstaff April 24, 2015 / 2:36 pm

    Awwww Julie…hugs to you….your words are so touching and so from the heart. Know that I pray everyday for you, Bill, and Grace. It is a sad journey in some ways that I am taking with you all, yet a joyous one because of your belief in God. You and your family and your words have touched me so deeply and have brought such a new meaning of believing to me. You Julie bring HOPE to all of us…..Hugs…..

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  5. Shona Cole April 24, 2015 / 5:22 pm

    So real, so raw. Thank you for sharing as it gives me a concrete picture of what to pray for you, seeing as I am not there with you guys. It is a privilege to pray for your family. Hugs.

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  6. Amy Waltz April 25, 2015 / 12:18 am

    Beautifully written Julie. Your soul aches and we ache with you. Thank you for reminding me that He is my hope.

    xoxo

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  7. Tara Delacruz April 26, 2015 / 9:40 am

    I read all of your posts with such awareness and a humbled heart…knowing that I, too, or anyone for that matter, might have to walk in your shoes one day. I sigh deeply, hanging on to every word you say, and doing my best to glean from and take heed of your journey, your pain, your joy and your hope…all wrapped into ONE. Our family loves you and will pray according to your needs.

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  8. debbiedodds68 April 27, 2015 / 5:34 am

    We pray that He continues to be your hope. Thanks for continuing to share and inspire.

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  9. Vickie Eoff May 1, 2015 / 11:12 pm

    Julie,
    We met once upon a time at Leon Springs Elementary. I taught with sweet Melanie and you and your precious children came to see Mel.
    My heart hurts for you and your family. I will continue to pray for God to carry you, as I’m sure taking even one step without your precious Warren would likely be an impossible feat without His grace and love.

    Like

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