Miss you so much sweet boy!
I feel like there is so much to catch up on. I have so wanted to sit down and share about all of the events that have taken place over the last month or so…Warren’s birthday celebration, Easter, 2 special baptisms, cheer award, first family wedding. So many ways that God has been good and used so many of you to bless and minister to us. However, I have to be honest…intertwined with all of these amazing events, I have been overcome with great sorrow. More ‘firsts’, and time to reflect on how very much not having Warren here is affecting how we do life.
Since Easter, I feel like I have been in a real funk, more ‘sad’ days than ‘not sad’ days. It’s hard to explain…It’s not that I have days where I am sad all day long, cry and mope around the house. In fact, if you are friends with me, Grace or Bill on FB, or Instagram, you will see that we smile all the time…EVERY day! Maybe behind some of those smiles we are extremely sad and simply wipe our tears away to pose for a picture. Or maybe, we are truly experiencing that inexplainable joy that God continues to pour into our lives. Either way, the ache has seemed more constant and I’ve spent more time desperately holding on to the promise that He will be enough for Today. I am faced with constant reminders that this IS hard and my heart IS broken. The reality is that although I believe with my entire being Jesus Is Enough, I constantly have to preach this to myself. Through the tears and gripping heartache, I can’t escape what hurts the most..Warren, although better off than I could ever hope for, is not coming back. This cycle is exhausting. Putting my trust in Jesus, while wishing more than anything Warren could be here with me is complicated. It’s complicated because I can know what I read in scripture to be true, in my head. While at the same time my heart hurts desperately. Preaching to myself that God’s forever plan is better and that He is good, and that He loves me, and that His promises will never fail, help to keep my eyes on my HOPE, and that hope IS Jesus…BUT it does not take away the pain I experience every single day. I think, as a Christ follower, I keep hoping that if I believe enough, trust enough, pray enough…I will hurt less. And for those on this journey who are ahead of me, that may be true…however, at this point, no matter how much scripture I read or how hard I pray, I still miss and long for Warren just as much as I did in the beginning. I think possibly the one thing that has changed, is the way I feel the presence of Jesus tenderly and lovingly wrapping His arms around me as I cry and miss my sweet Warren. Nothing brings me more comfort than being in that kind of presence with Jesus.
And…that’s why it’s complicated!! Because, just as sure as I can feel the nearness of my Heavenly Father, at times I can also wonder why I feel He has forsaken me…Why I feel so far from Him. Why, when I cry out, He does not answer. Fortunately, He doesn’t leave me feeling forsaken..because in those moments I keep preaching to myself what I know to be true…He is gracious and has demonstrated time and time again to be my strong tower, my deliverer. I can trust Him and He will rescue me in my suffering. (Psalm 22)
Please keep praying for us..our entire family, we hurt and this journey is very hard. Even as we put ourselves in the midst of ‘normal’ activity, we are wishing that things were different, and that Warren was here. So thank you for how you are loving on us and being sensitive during this time.
You might be wondering why the title ‘hope’…I sorda feel like I have put too much on the table that seems opposite of hope. However, over the last couple of weeks the word God has given me is, Hope!! Even in the pain God kept whispering “hope” to me. I love when God gives me something tangible, and that’s just what He did with “Hope”!!
On Sunday April 12 we were leaving church and Bill noticed a name tag on the bottom of his shoe. For some reason, Grace was curious whose name was on it, so Bill stopped to peel it off. Grace read the name out loud, “Hope”. I repeated it several times to myself and then to Grace and Bill…”hope, yes, hope! Jesus is our hope!” We were heading straight from church to witness a dear friend of Warren’s baptism. This is a young man that was saved soon after Warren went to Heaven. As we made our way to his church, I began praying that even though my heart was missing Warren, I would be able to celebrate with an eternal perspective, what God had done in his life. We walked up, and right before we made it to the front door I noticed a small bottle of lotion on the ground. I turned to glance at it, and noticed that the bottle read ‘hope’. (Philosophy brand of lotion) Grace was coming up behind me and I stopped her and pointed to it. She thought it was cool, and I said something about how I thought God was giving us a special word to hold onto! The baptism was certainly a visual of Hope, our salvation and the promise of eternal life with Jesus. A few days later, a very dear friend dropped off a card with a gift card inside for a pedicure 🙂 Attached to the card was a small bag with a tiny silver shell inside. As I put the card on the kitchen table the shell was facing down and I saw there was writing on one side…the word inscribed…. Hope.
Yes, in my dark hour…He is my Hope! In Jesus I have this Hope which is the confident expectation and desire for something good in the future. Jesus ~ He is my future and I will wait with confidence and expectation for His good.
I will catch you up by sharing a few pictures of our last several weeks… Thank you again for your love and support and walking this journey along side us!
But I will hope continually and will praise you yet more and more. Psalm 71:14
This is my comfort in my affliction, that your promise gives me life. Psalm 119:50