Reminded I Still Need Jesus…

The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me, your love, O Lord, endures forever- do not abandon the works of your hands.  Psalm 138:8

Why are you downcast, O my soul?  Why so disturbed within me?  Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.  Psalm 42:5

Mother’s Day…Year 2

I was reminded that I still need Jesus.   I still need your prayers and encouragement.

It was a  day that took a bit more strength to face than other days.  It was bitter and sweet all at the same time.

There was laughter and joy as well as quiet tears because of the brokenness that has made it’s home in my heart.

I was loved well by Grace and Bill (I have the best daughter in the whole wide world!!!) She made the cutest pancakes for breakfast!

I greatly appreciated the text messages sent with such tender thoughtfulness.

I thought of Warren and missed him so much.

God’s glorious grace, once again, brought unexplainable comfort.

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Mother’s Day 2016

It’s Not Over

One of the hardest things about this journey is how disappointing it can be to wake up after Mother’s Day (or any hard day), only to realize I have to do this all over again next year.  Not only that, but every other “difficult” day in between.  It’s never over.  I don’t get to wake up with a sigh of relief or a sense of accomplishment.  I wake… immediately realizing another day of living with the heartbreak of Warren’s death, is in front of me.

I don’t know anything about how the brain works, from a medical point of view, but I do know from personal experience, that somehow you can ‘manipulate’ your thoughts.  I’ve often wondered how in the world someone without the hope of Christ lives through the death of a child (or any kind of suffering).  I’m guessing (maybe) that with some learned tools, over time, you can manage and learn to live with this type of pain (without faith).  I am certainly thankful for the ‘tools’ I am learning in counseling which help me to work through my “grief”…

However, it is ONLY my faith and trust in Jesus Christ helping me to do MORE than manipulate my thoughts and ‘survive’ another day.  In Christ, I am believing that there is more purpose to my pain than just surviving it.  If it was simply surviving, I might have already given up that fight…But because of the abounding grace God has lavished upon me, I know that I am being strengthened every day for His assignment on my life. I wish it were different and some days I don’t feel up for the task.  Oh, how…I wish it were different.  Yet, in my weakness…on my hardest day, His grace is sufficient.  His power is made perfect in me.  For when I am weak, then I am strong.

These Days

I’m no expert on grief, loss, or dealing with pain and sadness.  Half the time, I’m not even sure what direction I’m headed 😉  The other day I was trying to get some cards in the mail and realized I had put the stamps in the left hand corner instead of the right.  I can wander around a store and not remember why I came.  I can hold back my tears sometimes, and sometimes I can’t.  I know there are steps to healing…but I think I’m writing my own!  I often feel like I can’t put into words how I’m feeling or how things are going.   This can be frustrating and hard especially on those around me, I know.

I miss Warren and my heart still aches.

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I know that God is protecting my family and keeping us close to Himself and each other..I am so grateful for that.  I know that God is working and that He loves me.  I know that He will fulfill His purpose in me.  (Psalm 138:8)

Like everyone else, we are wrapping up another school year.  These weeks are always so full of activity and very busy.  I find myself thinking about the summer and even wondering what it will be like as Grace begins her 8th grade year in the fall.  What will it be like when she turns 14.  Warren will always be her older brother, but since he died at age 13, in the middle of his 8th grade year…I just wonder…

I Still Believe

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I still believe that God will keep providing the strength we need. I believe that He is still very much enough. I still believe that Heaven is better and the best is yet to come!! I believe His work in my life & Warren’s life is greater than I can even imagine.  I will trust Him because I still believe He is good.

I love this picture of Warren. It reminds me to be strong and courageous. It reminds me to be brave like Esther. Thank you buddy for pointing me to Jesus. I love you so very much!

Grace…

I began this post earlier this week wanting to brag on my precious Grace.…which I still want to do.  I cannot even begin to tell you how amazing my girl is and what an honor it is to be her Mom.

People often comment that one of the reasons they read my posts is so they will know how to pray for us…So I thought I would take just a moment to share with you the reality of my week and where my heart is this morning.

Life goes on..and absolutely it does.  It goes on whether you want it to or not…For me, I bounce back and forth between memories of the past, remembering how things used to be,  and thoughts of what my future would be like if Warren were still here.  With many of our ‘firsts’ without Warren, I look back at pictures remembering our ‘last’ with him…last Christmas, last birthday, last mother’s day…and I long for him to be here, but I find comfort in looking at pictures from those precious memories.  Each of these events are difficult to face, each in there own way…

IMG_1605Earlier this week I became aware that the 8th grade dance was this weekend.  For some reason, thinking about it in the distant future seemed bearable, but once it was only days away, my heart broke into a thousand pieces all over again…Oh, the what if’s and the ‘He should be here’ thoughts that flooded my mind.  I could hardly think of anything else all week.  I am certain we talked about this day earlier this year..In fact, I’m pretty sure we (me and Grace) had already begun discussing who he should take to the dance!!  (Seems silly to disclose that info…but I’m pretty sure Warren and ‘this person’ would have made the cutest date!!)  I even think I had run through the possible ways he could ask her..So fun!!  After one of the last functions Warren attended with shirt and tie..he came home asking “When is the next dance?”…He loved hanging out with his friends and he also loved getting dressed up…So handsome he was…..

IMG_1075I have tried to understand why this ‘first’ seems so different, so much more emotional for me than even Mother’s Day..Honestly, the only thing I can come up with is that this event means wrapping up a chapter of life, and moving into another.  ‘Moving on’ in a sense…something I’m not ready to do.  My life came to a stand still that weekend back in November and since then, although we have done the best we can to live and function day to day, ‘Moving on’ means leaving behind…and I can’t do that, not yet.  I heard someone say (or I read this in a book), that its important at some point to stop living in the past, so that you don’t miss what God is doing right now..and what He will do in your future.  I don’t want to miss what God is doing…I don’t want to miss what’s right here in front of me, I don’t want to miss the many ways God continues to pour out His Grace on us… So, I’ve got my eyes wide open…BUT… this weekend..this day… is hard watching it happen without Warren.  My boy would be so excited!!  So handsome!!

As hard as today may be, I want my ‘people’ to know that I am happy for you.  I don’t want anyone to feel guilty about today’s events, the laughter, the pictures!  We already know that you love us…that you haven’t forgotten.  The ways that Warren will be honored and remembered tonight at the dance is VERY cool!!  I am grateful and he would just be beside himself to be getting this kind of attention..(Oh, sweet boy…My boy.  Who would have thought?)  Thank you for being so sensitive and your kind words and gestures mean more to me than you may ever know….The special delivery last night from 2 very thoughtful (and brave, if you ask me) 8th graders touched my heart deeply.  Thank you!!!!

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So, another day that I am trusting with all my heart, that Jesus WILL BE ENOUGH!  I can BELIEVE with HOPE that His GRACE will be sufficient.  I also know that His compassions NEVER fail and His mercies are NEW every morning…Thank you for praying.  Thank you for loving us.  Thank you for remembering.  We are forever grateful.


I will end with the post I began earlier this week….I love you my Grace Ann!!!!

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                                                                     Mother’s Day 2015

 My beautiful Grace…Thank you for being the hands and feet of Jesus and continuing to bless our family with your strength and courage.   Your thoughtfulness and caring heart made this Mothers Day special in so many ways!

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She decorated with Bible verses and a banner the night before….and then she woke up at 6am to fix me breakfast! She scrambled eggs, cut up fruit, and even made coffee! She put it all on a platter and brought it to me in bed. She is truly amazing, and I am proud and honored that I have the privilege of being her Mom. I love you Grace Ann!!

2015-05-10 15.35.43 Oh, taste and see that the Lord is GOOD!  Blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him!  Psalm 34:8