A constant fight…

9-7-2014
9-7-2014

Every day is a fight.  Every moment there is a choice to be made.  I do not just wake up believing that Jesus will be enough.  I do not get dressed and go about my day with hope in my heart and joy in my step…just because.  No!  Does anybody?  Maybe…but the reality is, the fight for my affections begin as soon as I am awake and continue off and on throughout the day.  The choice to put on “eternal lenses” is a constant fight.  Believing the promise that Jesus will be enough..is a daily fight…and as far as Hope and Joy, those don’t just happen either.  I am a mom who wakes every morning to the reality that the battle is real and the fight is not over.  I wake each morning with a heavy heart knowing I will walk by an empty room, see a bed that hasn’t been slept in for months and clothes that haven’t been worn.  Every morning I am reminded that death stole something from me that I will never get back this side of heaven… And then the “fight” begins!

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. But Jesus…But Jesus…Yes!  Jesus has come that I might have life and have it abundantly!!  Jesus has been enough!  He is enough!  He will be enough again…today!  Jesus, Jesus, Jesus…. The struggle within..”Why am I discouraged?  Why is my heart so sad?  Why?… But, I will put my hope in God!  I will praise him again-my Savior and my God.”(Psalm 42:5,6)

Please Jesus, help me to remember that what I suffer now is nothing compared to the glory you will reveal to us later.(Rom. 8:18)  You tell me in Your Word that my present troubles are small and won’t last very long.  Oh, yes, they are real..yet they are producing for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever.(2 Cor. 4:17)  I Believe!  Jesus, help me with my unbelief!

Today I will believe with confidence, that because of His grace, I have been declared righteous and will inherit eternal life.(Titus 3:7)  I will look forward with hope to that wonderful day when the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ will be revealed!(Titus 2:13)

This kind of “preaching to myself” usually happens before I even get out of bed, and then again and again and again all day long!!  And I can say with absolute confidence,  when I call upon the name of the Lord, He listens and He hears me.  He holds me and He walks me through the suffering, the pain, the tears and the heartache of missing Warren.  It’s not always pretty, and the ache often threatens to take me down…but even down at the very bottom of my grief my Hope in Jesus is SURE and STEADY!

9-13-2014
9-13-2014 Kyle Field

Nearing the ‘one year mark’ of Warren’s death I find myself looking at pictures and thinking…”this time last year”.  It’s crazy to think that as November 24th,2015 comes and goes, we enter into a different phase of our journey.  There will no longer be memories of ‘this time last year’ that include Warren on this earth.  Crazy, just crazy!

Labor Day 2014…

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However, I was also reminded this week that our future will be far greater than our past!  I am part of something Jesus is doing, and He will prevail!!  The possibilities are endless when Jesus is in the story.  The world would say I have lost, but Jesus, eternity, says the best is yet to come!!

Nothing here on earth will be our ultimate consolation.  Our ultimate consolation is eternal!  As long as I keep my eyes fixed on this promise, I believe that I (we)can become less and less devastated because… at the end of the day something better is coming!  Praise God!  He is coming back!

Missing you so much…We all are!  Love you, MORE

9-20-2014
9-20-2014

Below are links to 2 messages I listened to this past week that were a huge encouragement to me:

Alamo Ranch Community Church-Michael McCracken

Passion City Church-Louie Giglio

another hard “first”

2012-05-29 20.07.09

Today was just as I expected…HARD!!!  Emotionally, physically, spiritually~ All of it!!  Even now, I keep trying to take deep breaths, but each breath falls short of giving my body the relief I am searching for.  My mind won’t stop drifting to the thoughts of what should be..and how He’s missing so much because he’s not here.  The heaviness just will not lift and the tears have been more frequent and seem to sting more painfully.  I just can’t seem to wrap my brain around THIS reality, that Warren entered the 8th grade  almost 10 months ago, we bought the yearbook, we bought the t-shirt, he played football…he walked the halls of MMS just 6 1/2 months ago!!  I can even open this school years agenda and see his writing.  His backpack and binders are still in his room~However, today when I was waiting at the school for Grace to walk out, I watched familiar faces leaving campus and Warren was not among them. He should have been there and he was not..Instead you will find his name etched on a memorial outside the school along with others who have died.

“Died”, I hesitate to even use that word.  It sounds ‘bad’ or cruel…But it’s reality, and I think it’s what makes today so hard.  With the close of a school year and the beginning of summer…Leaving behind and moving ahead, I find myself stuck…Stuck grieving November 24,2014.  Not ‘stuck’, like refusing to ‘Live’…But rather having to journey through the stages of grief has me moving more slowly though life than everyone around me.  It seems just as I feel like I can move onto the next “stage”, I am faced with another big day or event to make it through.  Today, the last day of school, was one of those events…Not having both my kids here to celebrate the arrival of summer, and another successful year under our belt has been especially hard.

It’s like there is a big party being thrown and I wish I could decline the invite, but I can’t!  Well, I guess I could, but that would require locking myself inside my house, and that’s not an option (for me)!  I remember so clearly that ‘feeling’ of the last day of school..Especially as a teacher, that day is filled with such emotion.  The count down begins after Spring Break and at some point  I wonder if I will make it to June.  But when that last day arrives and I hug those kiddos good bye, I (sometimes) fight back tears knowing  that I will miss our daily routines and our interaction together…BUT after they leave the building and I look ahead to summer with my family, I am overwhelmed with  JOY!  It’s like… I become ‘giddy’!!  I’m exhausted, but walk away, proud of my professional successes, looking forward to the time with my kids!! It’s that ‘feeling’ that everything is just… “good”…”accomplished”…

Today..that ‘feeling’ is replaced with a deep longing for my “normal” back!  I want Warren back.  Yep!  I’m just going to say it…I know!  I know!! But if I’m honest, I’d give ANYTHING to have him here..with me!!  We’d be complete and safe and under one roof!  For me, right now, anything less just doesn’t cut it!  It isn’t fair..not for me, not for Bill, and not for Grace!  We miss Warren!

Has today been extremely sad for me?  Yes!! But….Did I wake Grace this morning with  excitement in my voice that today was the last day of school?  I did…. Jesus!  Did I accomplish some chores today that required interacting with the public?  I did…Jesus!  Did I take Grace and friends to lunch after school today?  I did…Jesus!  Did I laugh with friends and enjoy a nice dinner with my husband?  YES!!  JESUS!!!!  None of it by my own strength, let me assure you…Jesus!  But you, O Lord are a shield about me, my glory and the lifter of my head.  I cried aloud to the Lord and He answered me from His Holy hill. (Psalm 3:3-4)

So, as I lay here in bed at 11:50pm, I can honestly say that Jesus was ENOUGH, even for my very hard TODAY!  “Jesus is enough” doesn’t mean it was easy, in fact it was not. But it DOES mean that I can trust Him with my hard days. Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge. (Psalm 62:8) It does mean that even though the sadness seems unbearable, it will not destroy me.  “We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.” (2 Cor. 4:8-9)

I need to get my pictures organized..I had  trouble locating ‘end of year’ pictures..very frustrating!  ….but here are a few!!

End of School Fun-2010
End of School Fun-2010 (1st and 3rd grade)

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5th Grade~2012
5th Grade~2012
5th Grade Graduation
5th Grade Graduation
2015~End of 6th grade
2015~End of 6th grade

Can I just say that I could not be more proud of my sweet girl!!  This is the face of perseverance and courage!  God has amazing things in store for her.  I am so thankful for how He is so tenderly holding her during this journey!

She is ready for summer 🙂

I also came across a few videos that were taken at the end of 2014 school year.  Bill was so good about recording the kids on the first and last days of school…When they were younger they loved it….but as you can tell I think Warren might have been a little “too cool” !

Ephesians3Earlier this week we decided to make this our verse for the summer.  Even though I am struggling to  face this big “first” without Warren we are going to trust that God WILL do abundantly MORE than we could ever imagine!! Eph. 3:20