As we stood in the kitchen Grace and I began talking about “tomorrow”. I said casually (If that’s even possible) that we should brainstorm what we wanted it to look like..”tomorrow”. Should we go together as a family and have breakfast somewhere? Maybe somewhere special. Afterward, we could go and get our Christmas tree, and then go to that place where it’s Christmasy and walk around, look in some shops and maybe eat dinner.
I told her before I began, while starring into the pantry, that I only wanted to get her ideas and thoughts without making it a heavy or sad conversation. We had only been home a short while. Thanksgiving in Austin with Bill’s family had been good and I didn’t want to ruin anything by bringing up the subject of “tomorrow” at an inappropriate time.
You see, I’ve done that before, wanting to discuss something concerning Warren and my timing was ALL wrong. I opened my mouth, mentioned a delicate subject all while on the way to school. Who does that? I’m sorry the minute it comes out of my mouth, but I can’t take it back… I didn’t want this to be one of those moments.
Grace was sitting, legs crossed, on the kitchen counter. As I turned around, spoke one word, I felt my lip quiver and as hard as I tried I couldn’t keep the tears from falling. I could tell her eyes were watery too and I stepped in close. The heaviness of the moment, that I had unsuccessfully tried to avoid, brought a silence and a mutual understanding that bringing up “tomorrow”, no matter how hard we try, is just really, really, tough.
It’s now after midnight (way after), which means that “tomorrow” is here.
This day 4 years ago took our family by complete surprise. We went from being a family of 4, busy with baseball, 2 working parents, a daughter who had a brother…to a family of 3, no more baseball, 1 (full time) working parent, & a daughter who is now an only child.
Obviously the dynamics of our family changed, but so much MORE.
Over the last 4 years I have experienced MORE of Jesus in ways that you blow you away!! I am MORE in love with Him than I could have ever imagined-despite my life’s unexpected detour of grief and suffering…And, more recently, my desire to KNOW Him, His Word, has me on the edge of my seat waiting even still for MORE of Him.
Do I have it all figured out? Hardly. Just ask the 2 that live with me full time!! 😉
Do I wish the details and the circumstances to my KNOWING MORE of Him were different?? YOU BET I DO! Do I often wonder why me? Why us? Why did Grace have to suffer the loss of her older brother? Why did Bill lose his only son, the one that would carry on the Barfield name? Why do we have a day every year that reminds us of all that we’ve lost? OH, I wonder
But I also believe in a sovereign God that chose us, chose me for something far greater. Warren’s death didn’t thwart His plan…In fact just the opposite…Warren’s death is part of a much bigger plan than we can see.
I often wonder if our story is too…burdensome and might cause sadness or fear in others or even worse, one that people don’t want to think about, because it seems to complicate their idea of God…
But I share our story so that you will know, and so I will be reminded that God is good. He is for us, not against us.
You see even on my hardest day, and I just had one of those recently where I cried a kind of cry that would be embarrassing if someone had heard or even worse witnessed with their eyes….
I wouldn’t trade the Jesus I know for anything. I wouldn’t trade my best day or my worst day. You see I am learning that it’s on my hardest days that I learn MORE of who God truly is and how desperately I need Him.
He’s my every breath and as I get to KNOW MORE of Him, I trust him and I believe Him, and I can truly say Jesus is enough..I am grateful for my story..His story that He isn’t finished writing.
Trying to figure out another “tomorrow” seems overwhelming and sad and frustrating…But I have witnessed God’s faithfulness over the last 1,461 days since Warren took his last breath and I believe that TODAY Jesus will still be enough.
C.S Lewis “All their life in this world and all their adventures had only been the cover page and the title page: Now at last they were beginning Chapter One of the Great Story which no one on earth has read: which goes on forever, in which every chapter is better than the one before.”